Tropical Convergence Zone (e1)

[sandpiper]

Tropical Convergence Zone


Lying in wait-
glass seas silent,
still
that is, til you-
with but a word
of heated breath
that trembles these leaves,
raises this wind
to soar my mind
and rage a storm
which drowns
out all indecision.

[MichaelFirewalker]

oh...yeah.....an' ain' it de truf, doh...

gonna play a bit, for meter's sake...read it aloud?


Laying in wait-
glass seas [are] silent,
still
that is til you-
with but a word
of heated breath
that trembles these leaves,
that raises this wind
to soar across through my mind
and rage up a storm
that and drown out all indecision.


michael

[mfwilkie]

piper, if this were mine, i'd cut it down, take all the cliché-like phrasing out of it. Cut it down to its meat.

You talk about trmbling leaves and and wind, then you drown the indicision.

For me, it's not the sea of the opening that's used against the indecision. It's the effort/desire of the other that's urging the V.

wind could even use a modifier like promising to deepen the piece even further.

Sometimes less says more.

Maggie

Laying in wait-
glass seas silent,
still

that is til you-
with but a word
of heated breath
that trembles these leaves
that
raises this wind
to soar across my mind
and rage a storm
that drowns
out all indecision.


glass seas (are) silent, still

that is til you with but a word
trembles these leaves,

raises this wind

against my indicision

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I'm thinking...

[sandpiper]

ok, Thanks you three, I appreciate your time and comments, and that you're thinking, David. :-)

I'm thinking on this one too...
Maggie, thank you, the storm is actually the drowning factor at the end. So, I'll see if I can come up with a different way of wording that, so that it's clearer. and Michael, thank you for your suggestions.

I'll play.
-piper

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like the poem well enough as it is, but I like Maggie's idea for cutting the "heated breath" phrase. If "laying in wait" stays (and I do like it) it needs to become {lying} in wait I think. Lay can be active {He lay in wait} past tense, but the poem seems to be more present tense to me. But hell, I'm wrong about as often as not. LOL Regardless, it's a fine work. Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Nice metaphor, piper. Ending open to the reader's interpretation.
Agree with Ron about use of lying rather than laying.

[sandpiper]

ok, changed the lying. I always get trapped by that...Thanks!
and I also made a few other minor word changes.
As of now, the heated needs to stay in order for it to make sense to me, but I'm still thinking on another way to phrase it, as it seems agreed that that doesn't sound good.

still playing,
Thanks all,
piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper-

I like your revision, but til should be till unless you're using it like so: 'til

Also, at the end, do you want it to drown out all indecision, or drown it? I think it works either way.

[storyweaver]

I didn't read this before your revisions, but as it is now, I really like it! Several reads brought several different thoughts, memories, and emotions to mind...I call that success!
G.