|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jan 11, 2008 20:41:04 GMT -5
I am the poet with no name,
waft like oak leaves on the wind,
in amber and scarlet and tan,
I seek the mother once again,
to unearth her name.
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 11, 2008 21:35:33 GMT -5
Leo, my brother...
it is good to become
one's no-name self
good to sink down
far out of sight
down into nothing
it is Mother now worn
as her dark aspect
who holds you away
from the light
in her you can die
to all that can't be
that she might reform
you as her own
ready to rise
upright and bold
to brilliant new flight
reborn
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 11, 2008 21:42:17 GMT -5
Would you consider:
in orange and yellow and red?
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Jan 12, 2008 12:33:57 GMT -5
Hey Leo, The only thing that's throwing me on this one is the "wafts" The way it reads now it's "I wafts"... I think possibly taking out the comma after "name" might match that up a little easier for me to a "poet with no name wafts"...Unless I'm missing intention there, in which case let me know and I'll come up with something else.
I think the rest works well,
-piper
|
|
|
|
Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jan 12, 2008 15:42:10 GMT -5
Thanks y'all for the comments. Short poems are always the hardest to edit.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 12, 2008 15:45:57 GMT -5
The revision is tighter,and a bit more colorful and Autumn-like with the addition of yellow and deletion of green.
A period after "red" and you're golden.
|
|
|
|
Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 12, 2008 17:19:57 GMT -5
Gracias. This is now reminding me of my favorite season. My Michael returns your hello. I'd love to make it out your way to take one of those train wine tours. Perhaps in the fall...
Sherry
|
|
|
|
Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 12, 2008 19:58:04 GMT -5
You are right that the short poems are often the most difficult. I like this, especially the layers of tone, mood, color and sorrow. In your past poems which incorporate color, you have often used more creative colors than red, orange and yellow -- for example, crimson, saffron, and rust. Since your intention for this piece seems to be a search for self-identity I look for hints of that identity within the piece itself, no matter how brief it may be. You are a very original and bold writer. I don't see you in this at all. I realize that your last line indicates the continued search.. but it feels like a very slow journey, and you are not a patient poet. Tina
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 12, 2008 22:31:54 GMT -5
I like your color choices, especially the assonance rich combo of amber and tan.
However, and pardon the suggestion of, eek, a gerund, I think wafting would work better in this piece.
One other suggestion, just for arguments sake, would be the use of I am the nameless poet to start the piece.
|
|
|
|
Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 12, 2008 22:39:24 GMT -5
You know what, friend? I agree with David about "wafting."
|
|
|
|
Post by sandpiper on Jan 13, 2008 10:05:03 GMT -5
I like the change to the "unearth".
possibly "I, the poet with..." at the beginning would match the waft up better also.
I liked "transmigration" as the title.
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 13, 2008 10:18:08 GMT -5
Leo, I think the piece is too short for the use of two 'I's'.
And I think your original ending, if I'm remembering it correctly,
is better.
For me 'a' poet, is less specific than 'the' poet.
I'd work it again, Leo.
Maggie
I, a poet with no name,
waft(ing) like oak leaves on the wind,
in amber and scarlet and tan,
seek the mother once again,?
to unearth her name.
|
|
