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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 12, 2008 23:08:44 GMT -5
I've known for a long time
that I can't be trusted with love.
My heart walks through April mornings
even on stone-cold nights in January.
I hold on hard to fire, even the ghost
of warm smoke can keep me
striking matches on the dead-end
of every sidewalk.
I'm just telling you ahead of time,
in case you think for even a second
that you could love me --
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 13, 2008 7:22:33 GMT -5
I love the idea at the heart of this and there is some gorgeous phrasing in it. I do feel it would increase in power by omitting lines 5/6 which strike me as a little overwrought and not adding anything to the impact of the piece.
I've known for a long time
that I can't be trusted to let go
of love. My heart walks a garden path,
even on stone-cold nights in January.
I hold hard to fire, even the ghost
of warm smoke can keep me
striking matches on the dead-end
of every sidewalk.
I'm just telling you ahead of time,
in case you think for even a second
that you could love me --
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on Jan 13, 2008 8:53:56 GMT -5
Thank you, JohnnySaturn! You are right and I have changed it a bit. Very helpful!! Tina
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Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
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Post by Vasile Baghiu on Jan 13, 2008 9:56:22 GMT -5
"My heart walks a garden path,
even on stone-cold nights in January."
I think these are two good lines within a fine poem, Tina, not to mention "I'm just telling you ahead of time,..." Enjoyed the read.
Vasile
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Jan 13, 2008 16:22:48 GMT -5
to warn an approaching love of the quality of your fire is both wise and selfless----it is the fire that draws, but the uninitiated need also to know how it burns...
I adore V2----you have no idea how much I see there----whatever you do, precious Tina, NEVER let yourself run out of matches...
michael
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 13, 2008 17:14:21 GMT -5
What a fine right, T. Very strong, you passionate poet you!
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 14, 2008 12:37:14 GMT -5
I could have written this but unfortunately for my portfolio, I didn't. I think this may be another favorite. The second stanza is smokin'. Fine, fine writing, missy.
Sherry
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jan 14, 2008 13:19:56 GMT -5
Not crazy about the addition of "April" -- it was cleaner before, to me, and I miss that garden path; it placed you (hell, it placed me, the reader, in a lovely zone -- "April" just doesn't do that for me.]
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Post by wavemaker9 (Rick D.) on Jan 14, 2008 13:34:44 GMT -5
My heart walks through April morning gardens
even on stone-cold nights in January.
(I agree with Lynn)
By the way, I loved you for a second, It wasn't enough, so there!
Rick
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 14, 2008 14:00:27 GMT -5
I side with them too, Tina Bo Beena. I don't think April adds anything to it. If you must keep it, I would suggest:
My heart walks April mornings
on stone-cold January nights.
Sherry
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Post by johnnysaturn on Jan 14, 2008 14:43:17 GMT -5
Not crazy about the addition of "April" -- it was cleaner before, to me, and I miss that garden path; it placed you (hell, it placed me, the reader, in a lovely zone -- "April" just doesn't do that for me.][/quote For what it's worth I agree. I found it subtler and much more evocative. |
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Jan 14, 2008 16:06:56 GMT -5
Hi Tina- Wish I could've seen what the original looked like so I could compare, but I'll be a dissenting voice and say that I like the contrast of April mornings and January nights, though I'm not crazy about "stone-cold" for the overuse it's suffered over the years. I absolutely love the second stanza. Great imagery, and I do love gray.  |
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jun 3, 2008 15:30:44 GMT -5
Just came upon this one again, T -- and read my own comments re: addition of April -- and now, after these months in between, I like Apirl. In fact, if mine, I'd make those lines:
My heart walks through Aprils
even on stone-cold nights in January.
This was a treat to read again, T.
me
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jun 3, 2008 22:03:36 GMT -5
A little rework that, perhaps, makes the poem more dramatic:
Straight
A heart— that walks through April mornings
in the same way it does stone-cold January nights—
can’t be trusted with love.
A hand—that clenches fire,
even as the ghost of warm smoke compels
my fingers to strike matches on the dead-end
of every sidewalk—can't hold a secret.
I’ve known that for a long time.
So I'm telling you ahead of time,
in case you think, even a second,
that you could love me.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 4, 2008 7:33:54 GMT -5
I like your suggestion for the opening, Leo.
I think the second line in this stanza can use the extra beat of 'for' to smooth it out.
Mags
So I'm telling you ahead of time,
in case you think for even a second,
that you could love me.
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on Jun 7, 2008 12:53:30 GMT -5
made some new changes:
Straight
A heart— that walks through April mornings
in the same way it does stone-cold January nights—
can’t be trusted with love.
A hand—that holds fire,
even as the ghost of warm smoke compels
my fingers to strike matches on the dead-end
of every sidewalk—can't conceal a secret.
I’ve known that for a long time.
So I'm telling you ahead of time,
in case you think, even for a second,
that you could love me.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jun 8, 2008 16:41:38 GMT -5
Ever the romantic, my little firefly. Sharp imagery, with S2 spectacularly hot. (pun aside, really quite striking!) Sorry...couldn't help it ;D  |
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