Quietus (e1)

[sandpiper]

Persephone's lullaby

Near daffodils, on fresh green moss and thyme,
she laid her body down. She'd known no worse
than catching sunlight in her hair, in time
to sow the earth with springtime from her purse.
Illuminated innocent she'd lain
until the Earth burst wide beneath her feet.
A chariot and beast with blazing mane
stood tall on gardens blistering from heat.
In moments she was swept to depths below,
bestowed a brand new life despite her screams-
much like a newborn child's undoubted woe
at being ripped away from Heaven's dreams.

For half our lives our psyches sweetly sleep;
escaping tortured bonds of earthly keep.


Eurydice's alarm clock

Persephone's warm lullaby to soothe
my numbed and bitter flesh; I ease back down
into the arms of Morpheus. So smoothe-
his waters cover me, comfort and drown
my mortal grief. Hear Orpheus' song
sung by the moon, the deer, the mockingbird;
I raise my harmony and sing along
in hopes to get in tune one note, one word
with all that radiates outside this hell.
Trembling, I wait, at last! He's come for me,
and strains his strings for Pluto, plays them well;
then leads my way, smiles back expectantly...

I twist and curse, and fall back ripe with rage
as tolls of time again lock tight my cage.

[MichaelFirewalker]

Mandy----you have unraveled the mystery of these characters, and shown them to us in so much more depth than the myths themselves do, which are too often presented more simplistically, and do not connect the lines of life's webbing together as adroitly as you do here----

we are all no doubt familiar with Persephone's power to lift the Earth from the grip of winter, and endow Earth with spring, but we may not have considered the depth of Persephone's ignorance of life in its fulness, which ignorance allowed her such a mindless lightness of being----she didn't know pain, not until Eurydice took her down into the bowels of death and rot----only then could she die for the time needed to regain her exhausted powers of birth, and again return upside to impregnate Earth with spring...

what you ultimately show us is the relevance of death and pain to all our lives----in every life there is some experience of this principle of death and rebirth----but O, how it hurts!

I like the form, the way it is divided into two rational halves of being, like our lives----I like the simple, two-line summation at the end of each half too----it is a relaxed poem, despite its pain----and because of the ease of flow and rhyme, it has a very natural feeling to it----that's how it is, and eventually, it's all for the good...

michael

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Nice, piper. Love the story of Persephone, and her commitment.

Not much time now, but I'll be back tomorrow with some thoughts and/or suggestions for you.

[LynnDoiron]

Enjoyed, piper. Especially liked Persephone's -- perhaps because of the light allowed in first half, but also because it is less heavy, language-wise. But, then, I think your word choices are very probably, in both sonnets, picked deliberately for their weight and ability to weigh on the reader's senses. If Eurydice had not looked back in myth, then, I believe, your sonnet, would have words that floated somewhat near the end.

Very favorite part is the end couplet of Perseph's sonnet.

[johnnysaturn]

Cleverly done.I like the bold colours and drama of it all.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Not much to nit, my friend. Love it.

Persephone's lullaby

By daffodils, on fresh green moss and thyme,
she laid her body down. She'd known no worse
than catching sunlight in her hair, in time
to sow the earth with springtime from her purse.
Illuminated innocent(,) she'd lain
'til Earth cracked open wide beneath her feet. (A little bit of filler in this line, imo)
A chariot and beast with blazing mane
stood tall on gardens(,) blistering from heat.
In moments she was swept to depths below,
given a brand new life despite her screams-
much like a newborn child's undoubted woe
at being ripped away from Heaven's dreams.

For half our lives our sweet psyches may sleep; (Piper, how does this one scan, stress-wise? Are you using a metrical substitution? Am I mis-stressing "psyches"?)
escaping tortured bonds of earthly keep.


Eurydice's alarm clock

Persephone's warm lullaby to soothe
my numbed and bitter flesh; I ease back down
into the arms of Morpheus. So smoothe-
his waters cover me, comfort and drown
my mortal grief. Hear Orpheus's song (can't it be Orpheus' song)
sung by the moon, the deer, the mockingbird;
I raise my harmony and sing along
in hopes to get in tune one note, one word
with all that radiates outside this hell.
Trembling, I wait, at last! He's come for me,
and strains his strings for Pluto, plays them well;
then leads my way, smiles back expectantly...

I twist and curse, and fall back ripe with rage
as tolls of time again lock tight my cage. (Love, love, love the couplet)

[mfwilkie]

piper,

What about 'Near' for 'By'?

Mags

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I like Maggie's suggestion.

[sandpiper]

ok, I revised a bit, Thanks everyone!
Michael, for your words, thank you, I've been working on a bunch of myths and how they relate to the human condition or more precisely how I preceive them to relate to the human condition. Trying to grind down to the underlying metaphor that's been lost, so there might be a few more of these if people can stand them.... so, thank you, but who's mandy? :-)
and Lynn, Thank you, damn alarm clocks...take the sunshine right out of the poetry. :-)
David and Maggie, Thank you for the suggestions, I've made changes throughout, particularly in the couplet of the first, the near you suggested, and the burst line. let me know if it works better or worse now, I'm thinking on the commas...
Thanks!
-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Works better for me now, Piper.

Yeah, who's Mandy? Are we channeling Barry Manilow songs? Maybe I'll refer to you as Lola now.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Two lovely sonnets, complete with assonance, internal rhyme, and just plain lovely words and sentiment. I'm with Lynn on the couplet ending the first sonnet....sweet, sweet, sweet, both in composition and metaphor.
These were so enjoyable, bringing back my studies of mythology, that I just basked in them.

Suggestion in "Persephone's Lullaby":
L10: "bestowed a brand new life despite her screams-"
Accent then is on second iamb with added alliteration.

and in "Eurydice's alarm clock":
Final line:
"as tolls of time again secure my cage."
this may not be as strong a verb as you'd like, but to me it's smoother.

Take or leave the suggestions........wonderful work!!

[sandpiper]

Thanks Jonathon! I really like the bestowed suggestion, it works well with the woe, below, and the b sounds. I'm changing that now. I still like lock tight though. like you thought, I think it needs to be a forceful "clank" type of shutting instead of securing which is calmer and quieter in my mind. I'll think on that though to see if there's a way to say it differently and run it by you.
Thanks!
piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I like Jon's suggestion with bestow, as well, and it's ironic that I thought about suggesting "secure", but the resonant impact of "locked tight" changed my mind.