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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 20, 2008 13:47:44 GMT -5
Marion,
Consider taking the 'I' out of this.
I share pocket money
for today's caffeine
he blesses me
Something like:
Sharing pocket money
for his present fix
he blesses me.
Maggie
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Post by Marion Poirier on Apr 20, 2008 14:35:03 GMT -5
Hi EP friends,
I am delighted with the suggestions and response I
received from this senryu series and hope I awakened
some interest for you to post in the classroom.
Thank you all again for the generosity
of your time and thought.
Pelos, in answer to your suggestion of adding as
in V2 - not necessary-senryu/haiku are made-up
of 2 connected lines and one fragment. The lines can
all be connected, not frequently, but acceptable
and a matter of preference.
Maggie, Re.
the suggestion of exploration of pockets;
I prefer to stay with two syllable words or three at
the most because of the syllable limit; the more
simple the language-the better as is the nature of
this form. However, thanks for bringing this line to
my attention as I think it could read better. I've
already reworded this verse-still not satisfied as
more clarity is needed per Nan's comments.
Nan, I understand what you mean, but you
misunderstood my intent was to share my
coffee money that I keep loose in my pockets
(so I won't have to fumble) with him.
I will have to rethink this. Thank you for calling
my attention to this.
Lynn regarding your suggestion. I like it! It is very
powerful and speaks volumes. I am seriously
considering using this-would have to add in
this instance a joining preposition or there
would be three fragmented lines or I would have
to do some rewording; perhaps the dash would do
as I don't want to use a conjunction. H'm. This may work
Thanks very much, Lynn. Well-worth considering.
he scratches -
scars my reverie
change to spare?
Regards to all,
Marion
P.S. Maggie, I saw your other response on P2.
I am working on that verse now. Of course it is
clear to me but seems to be confusing to some
who is sharing with who. Actually what I mean
is that I'm sharing my pocket money for
my coffee with him-he can use it any way he wants.
I have to think about this some more. Thanks
for coming back to this Maggie and for the
suggestion. I'll work on it.
M
Sharing pocket money
for his present fix
he blesses me
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Apr 21, 2008 13:37:49 GMT -5
just read it again----it reads like new to me, and it's perfect----especially enjoyed the deceptive ease with which those flags at the end fly so high and cast such long shadows----you say so much with so little, dear Marion...
respectfully,
michael
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pelos
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
My heart to joy at the same tone And all I lov'd - - I loved alone.
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Post by pelos on Apr 21, 2008 22:13:46 GMT -5
Ok, this version is sparkling glitter all over - except in this one part - and it's so minor
I dare that I am picking to mention it but here it is -
sipping mcdonalds coffee -
(in)mud-splattered jeans
One other thing the implied irony is gone at least the way I read it your ending
prior to this one was much better. love, always pelos
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Post by mfwilkie on May 4, 2008 10:10:33 GMT -5
Marion,
I really like the way this reads. Solid revision work!
Maggie
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