April 19th [Again] (Different poem] 5-5-08 edits

[LynnDoiron]

Counting Aprils, I come up
with sixty-one and see
three lovers I have yet
to meet. And nine friends
plus a grandchild, my 6th,
that may be a boy, or
a girl (not yet conceived).
All the Aprils I’ve known
have been in- and exhaled
by trees in my path and
ducks. On roads east
of China my whines will
wake dogs, bats, cats, gnats,
hogs, all manner of fish but
I will keep it up, longing
for whining to turn into
songing and walking to
turn into dance. A waltz
across Asia’s not out
of the question – spin me,
cowboy, spin me. Hear
spurs in the paddies going
to rust, in the tulips going
to flowers for bouquets
on birthdays and graves
and graves –

and birthdays.
Let’s leave it at that.

_


[suggestion to cut final line; am considering; other opinions?]

[Ken_Nye]

Don't cut the final line. It works. Love the lines "and whining will turn into songing and walking will tun into waltz." Neat poem, Lynn.

K.

[purplejacket]

NO! don't cut the last bit!
Do you know the story Red Convertible? The ending of this poem, and the ending of that story make you say to yourself, "Yes. That is the exactly the ending of this one."

Red Convertible ends with a young man running and going and going and running and going. (or something like that).

and the "let's leave it at that," buttons it.

I wasn't too comfortable with "songing" tho.

[purplejacket]

Ahh, but now after I've gotten used to it a bit, maybe the last line isn't necessary. The line break does a lot of what the last line does on its own.

[LynnDoiron]

Will you make up your mind? grins here. I think I've already taken it out of my word doc, but thought I'd leave here for further opinions. Not too comfy with "songing" eh?
Will think on it. Or, as Meatloaf sings, Let me sleep on it.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Ahhh, Meatloaf Bat Out of Hell. Takes me back to school and my red bug. I wore the casette out. Well, that and Supertramp.

I think my vote is for leaving the final line and I like songing and the thought of spurs in paddies turning to rust.

Hear
spurs in the paddies going
to rust, in the tulips going
to flowers for bouquets
on birthdays and graves
and graves –

Yes, I like songing.

My kitten, Robert Browning, is trying to help me type and you have me humming Meatloaf. Have a wonderful weekend.

Sherry

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I doubt you could write something I didn't like if you tried. I am as unsure as I can be about the last line. My first take was, Hell no, don't take it out. A couple of reads later I can hear it sans said line, but I think I still prefer it, and "whining into songing" makes me smile ear to ear.
Love Sherry's idea to ax the article "the" before "tulips". Ron

[LynnDoiron]

Thanks guys. I made some strike thru notes in the post. I'm pretty much resolved to omit the end line and removal of "the" before tulips too.

Comments appreciated -- thanks for helping me out with this one.

[ramadevi]

Lynn dear! Please strike out all indicated here, except NOT the last line!!~
and i also grin ear to ear with whining in songing.
I agree with Ron too... that you could not write something i did not like...even if your tried.

Please keep the line!