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Post by Laura Stone on Apr 24, 2008 15:37:12 GMT -5
Blueberry Sky
Please don’t argue with the way
a blueberry sky drapes color
over shells along the shore.
You can’t purchase that kind
of simple beauty just any day;
it’s not like the ego a kitchen
might drum up in all its chaos
around the dinner hour.
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 24, 2008 16:15:20 GMT -5
Still liking this, Laura.
How neat to here Eric speak.
Maggie
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on May 3, 2008 21:09:30 GMT -5
I'm all about the great images you conjure here, Laura, but there's something in the lines that I can't wrap my Okie tongue around; most likely just me. Ron
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Post by purplejacket on May 5, 2008 9:22:49 GMT -5
I like the beginning a lot - it sets up a clear voice with the first line. My only nit is the word purchase, because you also cannot purchase the ego a kitchen might drum up. Some other verb...? or maybe take out the center two lines? Also, I think this needs to be read slowly. Maybe a please at the beginning would slow down that first line. Don’t argue with the way
a blueberry sky drapes color
across shells along the shore;
it’s not like the ego a kitchen
might drum up in all its chaos
around the dinner hour....... could be that i don't get what you're saying.  |
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on May 5, 2008 9:53:46 GMT -5
Hi Laura. PJ has some good thoughts for you here, and I have one word suggestion.
Instead of "across shells", how about "over shells" since you're verb is "draping"?
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Post by Laura Stone on May 5, 2008 10:05:23 GMT -5
I guess I should explain this poem. It was written at the Society for the Arts in Healthcare conference in a session presented by Eric Ehlstain. He gave us 6 words: argue, blueberry, shell, purchase, kitchen and ego. We had about 3 minutes to write this and this was my attempt. It was an exercise used with ill children in a hospital setting and he re-created it for us by replicating the way he teaches them. I don't want to get rid of the required words. David, I like the "over" suggestion. PJ, I also like the word "please".
Laura
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Post by purplejacket on May 5, 2008 12:55:03 GMT -5
The shell of this kitchen is a blueberry argument purchased an ego ago. ha ha  |
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on May 6, 2008 15:58:56 GMT -5
I really like this one ..juxtapose between blueberry sky covering shells and kitchen chaos is very appealing
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Post by ramadevi on May 7, 2008 7:30:12 GMT -5
Nice edits. The poem is very effective.
Much enjoyed the yummy sky!
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