Ron Buck (halfshell)
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
-------- ecce signum --------- ------ behold the proof ------
Posts: 988
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Post by Ron Buck (halfshell) on Apr 25, 2008 7:27:08 GMT -5
Resistance .
Wrapped from the outset, the journey begins; the invisible finger pressed down on the ribbon, keeps its place for the cinching knot.
Turbulent youth slaps it aside, doubles its weight; silent partners, dancing in the dark, feeling out the corners like a stumbling sailor returning to dry land.
Massive comets waiver in its path, blow off ballast and illuminate the heavens; dismantled piece by piece to display a glorious disintegration and ultimate demise.
The wind carries its message to the mountains. The trees gather and release its voice. Birds glide skillfully along its rails. The landscape adapts to its pulse.
Philosophers are barren without it; and we, who long for purpose, wade through all its tributaries, unaware of its encompassing influence. [/size]
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 25, 2008 8:47:02 GMT -5
Ron, what about starting this here:
Turbulent youth slaps it aside, doubles its weight; silent partners, dancing in the dark, feeling out the its corners like a stumbling sailor returning to dry land.
And do you need the modifier 'Massive' for comets?
Maggie
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Ron Buck (halfshell)
EP Gold 750 Posts Plus
EP Word Master and Published Member
-------- ecce signum --------- ------ behold the proof ------
Posts: 988
|
Post by Ron Buck (halfshell) on Apr 25, 2008 8:53:09 GMT -5
Yes, I like that! will have a look at massive. funny I was looking at the poem trying to decide which stanza i could cut. I never thought of the opening, and I was leaning toward the comets.
will definitely give it a think!
tidings ron
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 25, 2008 9:07:02 GMT -5
I just read it without the comet stanza, too, and I like it better.
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Post by ramadevi on Apr 28, 2008 23:31:44 GMT -5
I agree... much better without comets.
It is a fine, fine work.
I am impressed by your use of simile or metaphor in every stanza.
Bravo.
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Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on May 3, 2008 21:37:43 GMT -5
I've read this a few times now with and without the offending stanzas. The comets don't seem to bother me that much and I don't find a quarrel with the opening either, but given the the voice with the opening beginning at stanza two, I think I like it just a bit more with stanza two becoming number one. I'd miss the comets if they flew away forever, but I can see "massive" taking wing without to much damage. Regardless it's a solid piece of writing. Ron
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