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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Apr 27, 2008 13:12:12 GMT -5
2nd Revision
On the Wind
Summer sneaks in, grins, and dips a toe
into the soup of Saturday,
heating up April as she turns to go
and blows a kiss to May.
Seasonal change is here; its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a churning boy who, on his bike,
is racing with the sun.
Revision
The Way the Wind Blows
The Summer peeks in, grins, and dips a toe
into the soup of Saturday,
heating the air as April turns to go
and blows a kiss to May.
A change is coming, and its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a pedaling boy who, on his bike,
attempts to race the sun.
Original
Erasing the Season
The season peeks in, grins, and sticks a toe
into the soup of Saturday,
heating the April air with humid flow
before the turn to May.
Summer is coming, and its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a pedaling boy, who, on his bike,
attempts to race the sun
into the burnt horizon, breaking free
of the long haunt of adolescence,
a liberating track of black, where he
can catch the Summer’s essence.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Apr 28, 2008 9:47:01 GMT -5
Into the soup of Saturday...Fantastic!
Summer is coming, and its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a pedaling boy, who, on his bike,
attempts to race the sun
For some reason, I want the poem to end here.
Let's talk about the meeting I attended yesterday. Collaborative Storytellers Send me a couple of poems for next weeks Walnut Street Writer's meeting and I'll submit for you. Let's talk soon. Thanks for the comment on Late Summers Kiss.
Sherry
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Post by ramadevi on Apr 28, 2008 23:03:38 GMT -5
I agree with Sherry.
Reading this for the second time, i like it even more with just the two verses.
I see where you are pointing with verse three, but i believe you have already taken the reader there with verse two.
warm regards,
rama devi
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Post by mfwilkie on Apr 29, 2008 22:56:37 GMT -5
D,
I agree with Sherry and Rama.
The tone of the last stanza seems very different to my ear, as does the opening line of the first.
For me, the poem is the second stanza, muh cara.
The image is very strong one.
It can stand all by itself.
Summer is coming, and its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a pedaling boy, who, on his bike,
attempts to race the sun.
But you know, I wish you'd try the whole piece in Blank Verse.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Apr 30, 2008 5:28:34 GMT -5
Thank you all for your good suggestions. This may very well be a simple epigram or octet.
Mags, no idea why blank verse would be preferable here.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on May 1, 2008 13:12:22 GMT -5
Gosh, please don't lose that first stanza.
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on May 1, 2008 15:17:53 GMT -5
Thanks Rama, Sherry and Mags. I decided to nix the last stanza and go with an octet with a few changes. Revision up.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on May 1, 2008 15:22:54 GMT -5
Kiss to May. Love it, love it all. 
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on May 1, 2008 15:29:57 GMT -5
Thank you, Sherry. I'm about to don my dazzle shorts. ;D
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Post by mfwilkie on May 1, 2008 18:17:16 GMT -5
I would imagine pretty much all of us have felt "the winds of change", D: that first day we brought our bikes out of the garage
for a spin after winter, much like the boy in your poem.
Blank verse, or even near rhymes would give you more room to develope the idea of coming change.
Here are some thoughts on the language in the first stanza,
and a query on whether you need to mention the bike if you say pedaling boy.
The Summer sun peeks snuck in, grinned, and dipped a toe
into the soup of Saturday;
heating it warmed the air as April turned to go
then/but bid adieu to May.
A Real change is coming, and its wind is like
the panting breath of dogs that run
beside a pedaling boy who, on his bike,
attempts to race the sun.
Give some more thought to the title, D.
Mags
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Post by LynnDoiron on May 1, 2008 19:08:45 GMT -5
heating the air as April turns to go / and blows a kiss to May.
beware the free-verser, but what would you say to:
heating April as she turns to go / and blows a kiss to May.
Nice one, D
L
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Post by Tina (Firefly) on May 1, 2008 21:27:54 GMT -5
just lovely. Have read it many times. Kudos! Tina
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Post by ramadevi on May 2, 2008 6:28:09 GMT -5
Kudos for great changes (including the title).
It is perfect now, David.
Simply perfect.
warm regards,
rama devi
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on May 2, 2008 7:00:10 GMT -5
Thank you, Maggie. I've made a few changes, et al the title (again) and the intimation of the pedaling boy (now using the duality of "churning").  Lynn, I absolutely love your idea, and I've integrated it with a metrical substitution at the beginning of the line. Thank you.  Tina and Rama, thank you both very much. ;D |
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