The Offering (rev 3)

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

The Offering (rev. 3)
.

In light of all that climbs the never seen
and passes through my darkest hour
where regret usurps each pleasantry and
weakens the pulse of surging power,

I pound the falsely shaped blackened steel;
my eyes closed and close to where I cower,
confirms the flare of spark that would conceal
flowing spar from sweet ascending bower.

I evolve to you as rain-soaked clouds swirl in
the turbulent stream of heaven’s tipped cart;
the tracing hand of my soul unfurls this
crude unblemished shape of willing heart.

A small brief offering into your palm from
one the din of thunder has absolved.




The Offering (rev 2)
.

In light of all that climbs the never seen
and passes through my darkest hour
where regret usurps each pleasantry and
weakens the pulse of surging power,

I pound the falsely shaped blackened steel;
my eyes closed and close to where I cower
and release heated spark that overwhelms
the flowing breeze of sweet ascending voice.

I evolve to you as rain-soaked clouds clash
in the turbulent stream of heavens outburst;
the clapping hands of my soul rendering
this crude unblemished shape of willing heart.

A small brief offering into your palm
from one who resolved the din of thicket.




The Offering

In light of all that climbs the never seen
and passes through my darkest hour
where regret usurps each pleasantry and
weakens the pulse of surging power,

I pound the falsely shaped blackened steel;
my eyes closed and close to where I cower
and release heated spark that overwhelms
the flowing breeze of sweet upturning voice.

I evolve to you as rain-soaked clouds clash
in the turbulent stream of heavens outpouring;
the clapping hands of my own soul rendering
this crude unblemished shape of a willing heart.

A small brief offering into your palm
from one who resolved the din of thicket.
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[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Ron-

I see the sonnet form, and I noticed the rhyme in S1, L2 and L4, and I expected it to continue. Was the first rhyme just a coincidence? I'll be back with some metrical ideas, Ron, if you don't mind.

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

Yes, david..

i wanted to tumble out of the form into the mire of the moment to increase the sense of struggle and then to move into another state with off-rhymes or near rhymes couched covertly in the line progressions. an experiment and yes metrical ideas sans standard rhyme would be most helpful here.

tidings
ron

[LynnDoiron]

I love the opening line -- reads like magic and carries magic [to me], and like S1 well enough.
S2, not so much -- the opening line of S2 seems clunky somehow, seems forced, and very unlike the Buck stuff I'm used to reading. Knowing you, the clunk is meant to be just what it is.

Not crazy about end line or earlier line about my own soul [I'm never at ease with soul speak -- just me].

lynn