Cosmic Comic Ruse

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

Somewhere
through the journey,
life to death
started with the launch of
an uncalculated sequence of
compulsory alternatives that
ultimately culminated with
the absolute resolve that
life came as suddenly
as death.

[mfwilkie]

Too true, Rick.

[purplejacket]

I like what you're saying, that life and death co-emerge,
and I am impressed with the long string of big words,
but I do have a few wee beefs.

Somewhere
throughout the journey

"Throughout" implies a continuity,
while "Somewhere" implies a specific, yet unknown point.
It's kind of like "There's a first time for everything."
This line can be taken 2 ways that I see immediately.

1. First time for everything, as in The Big Cablooey. Everything started.
2. First time for every thing, as in Rick’s first step and Rick’s first lover and Rick’s first use of sticky tape.

A phrase like this has the potential to be a neat trick,
but you have to earn it in a poem, and by line 1, you haven't earned anything,
and you're just confusing.

Also, by starting a poem with the single-word-line “somewhere,”
I nearly drove off into the morning light
without bothering to read the rest.
I’m not terribly fond of single-word-lines anyway,
but to have the word be so nebulous and uninteresting as “somewhere”
and be the first line was a big turn off, mate.

I’m also not terribly fond of seeing prepositions at the end of lines.
I can live with it if there is a point,
I can like it very much if there is a good reason for it.
I think you’re doing it here to set the voice/tone/rhythm of the reader.
If that’s the case, then maybe you could make it more consistent:

…started with the launch of
an uncalculated sequence of
compulsory alternatives that
ultimately culminated with
the absolute resolve that
…

It gives the tone something like a stutter, which can be interesting.

~.~

life or death

What you ultimately are saying is “life AND death.”
On the first read, no one will notice that you have belied your point,
but if they read it a second time, they will,
and they will feel manipulated.
By mentioning life and death together, and by using the word OR,
you tell us subliminally that you’re going to differentiate the two.
However if you use the word AND at this point, you’ll be giving away your punch line.
Maybe best to leave this out, and use the omission to build tension; make your reader wonder what, what, what?

One possible re-working:

An uncalculated sequence
Of compulsory alternatives taken
Somewhere in cosmic journeying
Ultimately culminated
With absolute resolve
that life came as suddenly as death.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

Thanks PJ. I'll take more time to mull the suggestions after work
Rick