Finding The Sun

[Laura Stone]

Finding The Sun

When you’ve lost the sun on your face,
think of the children running
and playing hide-and-go seek;
their laughter pealing from swings
high above the ground.

When you’ve lost the sun on your face,
think of lilies, the whiteness of their hands
that open to each new day.

Be still,
listen for the wind.

[Marion Poirier]

Laura, enjoyed the read of this uplifting poem. I
have some minor suggestions to tighten. Nice piece. Marion


Finding The Sun

I think present tense works better here.
When you’ve lost lose the sun, on your face,
think of the children running
and playing hide-andgo-seek; ,comma
their laughter pealing from swings
high above the ground.

Present tense here
When you’ve lost the sun. on your face,
think of lilies, the whiteness of their hands petals
that open to each new day.

Be still,
listen for the wind.

[Marion Poirier]

Another thought - for the title, I suggest:

To Find the Sun

M

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

I like many of M Poirer's suggestions... this reads well and I like the uplifting message. If you change "that open" to "opening" it will remain consistant with the "pealing" from the stanza before. Also, by deleting the "on your face" it gives more of double meaning to the word "sun" when read. -- all my best, Jarls.

[alfredo]

It too like the poem very much – power in its simplicity and natural images

I also like most of MP suggestions. Consider:-

Be Still (title?)

when you’ve lost the sun
on your face
think of the children running
and playing hide-and-seek
their laughter pealing
from the swings
high above the ground

when you’ve lost the sun
on your face
think of lilies
their white petals
that open each new day

be still
listen for the wind

[alfredo]

perhaps the end stanza could be


look as
you listen
for the wind

[Ron Buck (halfshell)]

I can only say the poem works so well for me. I love the sensuality of face and hands, of human sensation related to nature... the relation intertwined works for me.

tidings
ron

[LynnDoiron]

Laura -- I agree with ron above. Glad to read this one again. lynn