Caw Cool Crow

[purplejacket]

Caw Cool Crow

because you’ve stolen
Fonzie’s coat

to go out stomping
peace signs
into the mud

while you croon
your sweet song
of brotherhood

---

because you’ve stolen
Fonzie’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs all over
in the mud

while you sing
your sweet song
of brotherhood

---

Original:


Caw Cool Crow

Because you’ve stolen Fonzi’s coat
to go out and stomp peace signs all over the mud
while you sing your sweet song of brotherhood

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I like this one a lot...perhaps shorter sentence breaks and emjambment:

Because you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat

to go out
and stomp peace signs
all over the mud

while you sing
your sweet song
of brotherhood

[purplejacket]

Hi Leo. I like the shorter lines - will modify. ta.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi PJ. Sounds like something one of the Beats would have written, except of course for the Fonzi reference.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Fonzi as in Happy Days? Otherwise, I am lost. That would be spelled Fonzie if so. Having a blond moment here.

[purplejacket]

Yes, that's the Fonzi/e. ta again.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Outstanding, I like the shorter lines and the images are solid through and through. Very nice work. Ron

[mfwilkie]

because you’ve stolen
Fonzie’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs all over *
in the mud

while you sing
your sweet song
of brotherhood

* pj, all over in the mud tweaks my ear each time I read this.

was wondering if:

because you’ve stolen
Fonzie’s coat

to go out and stomp
peace signs everywhere
there is/ there's mud

while you sing
your sweet** song
of brotherhood

**How about winsome for sweet? My ear is looking for another syllable in the second line of that last stanza to improve the rhythm.

while you sing
your winsome song
of brotherhood

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

Really like this; can see the sheen on the crows' coats from the mention of fonzie's coat [perfect descriptor!].

I think 'sweet' fits the voice of this piece better, but would agree as to something a wee bit amiss in the rhythm of that last bit (which winsome fixes) -- I wondered on my first read if what bothered me was the you and your in such close proximity .... ? dunno, only know that this was enjoyable. Thanks.

lynn

[purplejacket]

here's what my friend greg did with it: (I call him approximately greg):

Caw Cool Crow

Because you’ve stolen
Fonzi’s coat

Let us go then, you and I,
and steal his white t-shirt too, for they go together,
they are a pair,
and I in the one, and you in the other,
will don upside down crows' feet
and stomp peace signs up and down the black
volcanic beach mud of Guatemala,
while the sun sits on top of the horizon
like a fat bird on a wire
eyeing your navel with envy.

We'll sing songs of brotherhood,
until they stick in our craw
and we remember the upper room
where the women come and go
carrying the bacon
talking of leonard cohen.

Oh, do not ask "what's for breakfast?"
Let us go and cook up a mess.

[LynnDoiron]

approximately greg has won my heart!

[purplejacket]

Yeah, me too. But still, he refuses to flirt with me, knowing I am married.

[mfwilkie]

I really like what approximately greg wrote, too.

Glad you mentioned it, chicky.

[purplejacket]

all over in the mud didn't feel quite IT to me either, but I couldn't come up with anything better, and figured it was probably just me. Hmm.

thinka thinka.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

There's always the possibility of just cutting "all over", or maybe adding {jumbled} before "in the mud" after cutting "all over". Regardless, I like the work. Ron

[purplejacket]

some teeny little edits.