Venetian Masks

[Vasile Baghiu]

I once saw
those specific masks
in Venice.

Anyone could
experience the feeling
to wear
an immortal face.

All the tourists
did that.

I did not.

I was afraid not to
make time aware
of my presence
there,
on the canalettos’ margins,
and to lose
the magic.

I was not -
quite a tourist.

[purplejacket]

May I make a suggestion on the approach? You can take the I out of this poem, and write it something like an advert, and I think it will be more interesting.

Just quickly:

Anyone can experience
the feeling of immortality
in a Venetian mask
when you are touring Venice

and time will not be made aware
of your presence there
on the canaletto's margins
and no magic will be lost
when you are a tourist

[mfwilkie]

Vasile,

This is all "tell' to me.

I'd like to see some imagery.

Maggie

[Vasile Baghiu]

PJ, your version sounds very well, and I think that the thin irony (the sarcasm) works effectively, but the version... - how to say? - the version is yours, not mine... Thank you very much for your suggestion!

I know what you mean, Maggie, but I am afraid I can't change anything in terms of imagery, unless I write a completely new poem... Maybe I will... Many thanks for reading the poem!

Vasile