Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
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Post by Vasile Baghiu on May 23, 2008 13:30:38 GMT -5
I am not that one
you think
I am.
I write poems,
but I am serious
about that.
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Post by LeoVictorBriones (poetremains) on May 26, 2008 14:37:14 GMT -5
Vasile...
There is a simple eloquence to this poem. Sometimes the poet needs to dare to be simple. I do, however, feel the poem needs one image to bring the thought home. Here is a suggestion to explain what I mean:
I am not that one
you think
I am.
I am not
a gorge
without the river's roar.
I write poems,
and I am serious
about that.
I hope my comments are helpful.
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Post by Marion Poirier on May 27, 2008 18:39:32 GMT -5
I like the poem as is Vasile; however,
Leo's idea of an image is a good one.
I never thought of it - though it
would be more poetic - IMO, the humor
and irony make up for the lack of a
concrete image - but worth considering.
Marion
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Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
|
Post by Vasile Baghiu on May 28, 2008 1:51:29 GMT -5
Thank you, Leo, for the suggestion. Your version sounds very well. However, I would not put the "and" instead of the "but", because I see a point there... Also, that stanza you added is good, as Marion says (thanks Marion for your thoughts!) but I think it poeticizes all in a way that does not fit my intention. I would prefer to let all as it is... Once again, I appreciate both your comment and Marion's!
Vasile
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alfredo
EP 250 Posts Plus
Posts: 340
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Post by alfredo on May 28, 2008 22:19:25 GMT -5
I too like leo's suggestion
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Vasile Baghiu
EP Gold 1000 Posts Plus
EP Word Master
poetry is rather a matter of life than art
Posts: 1,385
|
Post by Vasile Baghiu on May 31, 2008 7:56:17 GMT -5
Thanks, Alfredo. I will think more about it...
Vasile
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