Morning becomes you

[abrahamsurefoot]

Grizzled sky
snoops through
the hoardings

whilst we jink our way
amidst eddying litter
and make faces
at the mannequins

celebrating the gift
of this disreputable hour
when even the panhandlers
lie asleep

we cock our ears
to the streets
as they bat back
our laughter.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

First off, welcome and a quick acknowledgment to a great user name.

Let me say, I like the poem. It is tight, has a good pace and speeds to its conclusion. Also it has one intangible that is the mark of any good writer and that's authority. Hard to explain but a bit like erotica—I know it when I see it. And, I clearly see it in this poem. So great job.

However, I do think the poem has some internal conflict. First off, the terms whilst and amidst are archaic and seem to conflict with the rest of the modern language of the poem. It's your decision, but I believe this is a modern poem and so (as opposed to hence) the language should be modern. My other issue with the poem is that it seems to be too mysterious...what disreputable hour??? I not sure you have set it up well enough and the reader is puzzled by intent. It is OK to intellectually challenge the reader with intent in a poem by offering enough clues for people to think about and discuss. The problem with this poem is I do not think you offer enough clues and it's confusing. Perhaps some more concrete images to explain the scene. After all, the poet is sharing his or her experience with the reader, not writing to themselves.

Again, welcome I look forward to reading many, many more pieces of your work as well as the revised version of this one. Leo

[mfwilkie]

Welcome, Abraham.

I like the poem, yet have the same concerns Leo does about the use of the archaic language mixed with the hip use of 'jink'
which I think it's the perfect word to establish the energy conveyed in your draft.

I also like your use of 'disreputable hour' to establish time.

Had to smile because the piece brings back similar memories.

One thought for revision would be to switch the 2nd and 3rd stanzas and cut the excess to tighten flow, although I'm not 100% sold on the idea of the switch because of your where your title takes me and your use of the 'celebrating the gift of this disreputable hour'. The poem has an intimate undertone to it.

I'd watch your use of gerunds.

The recommendation really suits my V more than yours, and here are some thoughts with that in mind; round-file whatever doesn't work for you.

Nice draft.

Maggie

Grizzled sky
snoops through
the hoardings

celebrating the gift
of this a disreputable hour
when even the panhandlers
lie asleep

whilst we jink our way
amidst through (an) eddying (of) litter
and make faces
at the mannequins,

we (and) cock our ears
to the streets
as they bat back batting back
our laughter.


Reading it again, with the title and emotion in mind,
consider going from hoardings to jink to celebration;
something like:

Grizzled sky
snoops through
the hoardings

(as) we jink our way
through the celebration
of this/a disreputable hour
when even the panhandlers
are asleep.

[abrahamsurefoot]

Thank you for the constructive feedback on which I shall certainly ponder.