Breakout (ver. 3)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Lying dead on a stainless steel table,
my body is cold and swollen.

Her lipstick still clings to my throat
like a wet turtle neck.

Someone, like a too cool jazz singer,
mumbles through cigarette smoke,

“This cat’s nine lives are done.”

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Leo, I love it.

A couple of things, though.

Is this the coroner's table? If so, "found dead" may not be your best choice there. Maybe "lying dead"?

I think you can do better than "sopping".

"Perhaps this cat(')s nine lives are done.”

[mfwilkie]

Leo, Nice job tightening this up.

I think it can be tighter, though, and you might consider
using a more analytical approach to the beginning of the piece
to set up the ending.

The cool cat/dog sublty implies a cat/dog/ he/she fight in my mind.

Here's my messing:


On a stainless steel table,
lies a body, cold, swollen

and naked

except for a certain shade and shape
of lips clinging to the neck

that didn't match his wife's.

A too-cool mumble from background-beats
intones, This dog's days are done.

Mags

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Leo, I like it's grit, but like David "sopping" just doesn't click for me. Think about a simple {wet turtle neck} for a compact sound.
I'd cut the "Perhaps" starting the final line as well. For me it fit's the speaker better, but hell, that's quite possibly just me. Ron