The night held (revision)

[mfwilkie]

four wet moons
a red magnolia

and a bud of silence
to drive home with
and to.

Lovers of Zeus, these moons,
not Galileo Galilei's moons.

I feel that far away from everything.




four wet moons
around a red magnolia.
Silent.

Silence to drive home with
and to.

The lovers of Zeus, these moons,
not Galileo Galilei's moons.

I feel that far away from everything.

or

Night held

four wet moons
around a red magnolia

and silence

to drive home with
and to.

The lovers of Zeus, these moons,
Not Galileo Galilei's moons.

I feel that far away from everything.

[brianedwards]

I prefer ver2. Though I'd use lower case on Not (not, not Not). And maybe cut The too.
Maybe consider breaking up that last line?

And so, meddling -

Night held

four wet moons
around a red magnolia

and silence

to drive home with
and to.

Lovers of Zeus, these moons,
not Galileo Galilei's moons.

I feel that far away

from everything.


B.

[LynnDoiron]

I like the repetition of silent and silence in version 1 and would maybe remove "The" before lovers; then I see B suggested that, too, above. Would argue for keeping last line as one line though; for me, as one line, it reads like a sighed statement of an old recognition. With the line break and spacing, the feeling seems somehow just found, or surprising on some level for the Voice.

[mfwilkie]

Thanks for the look-see, brian and Lynn.

I appreciate the suggestions.

Maggie