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Post by brianedwards on Jun 8, 2008 18:24:22 GMT -5
Sun finds a path
through cedar pines
prickles winter cobbles
reminds you of the wine
you spilled in the bath.
Your throat is dry.
Walking on stones stained
with the footsteps of pilgrims
depositing souls of
their unborn
their still-born
their unwanted.
This is your second time
amongst little statues dressed
in bibs and bonnets.
You do what you came to do
wishing you knew more about
this Jizo
this God.
Regardless
thousand year old cedars
throw many fingered hands
up to the sky in awe.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 8, 2008 21:15:12 GMT -5
First read, Brian, I like this.
Back after a few more.
Maggie
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Post by brianedwards on Jun 9, 2008 19:42:58 GMT -5
Thanks Maggie. Welcome back anytime. . . .
B.
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Post by mfwilkie on Jun 10, 2008 7:33:27 GMT -5
Still liking it, brian.
One thought, though, I'd add punctuation. so the reader pauses where necessary.
Maggie
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Post by brianedwards on Jun 10, 2008 19:40:51 GMT -5
Thanks maggie.
Added a few commas here and there - good call.
B.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jun 10, 2008 19:54:41 GMT -5
B -- just a note to say I've read this several times and have delayed leaving a response because I like it and I also find it too balanced, somehow. Not sure "balanced" is what I mean, at all. What made me say balanced, was the way there's a modifer for each subject in the first 3 lines. More a bit later -- me
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Post by brianedwards on Jun 10, 2008 20:53:29 GMT -5
Lynn, - the first draft of this was Modifier Grand Central. Had to do some serious pruning to get it into the current form. I guess some more trimming wouldn't hurt, but I'm liking the way it reads. . . . thinking on it . . . .
Thanks for the look.
B.
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Post by LynnDoiron on Jun 10, 2008 22:34:32 GMT -5
Sun finds a path
through cedar pines
prickles winter cobbles
reminds you of the wine
you spilled in the bath.
Your throat is dry.
[The impact of this line coming after the reminder of wine in the above S is extraordinary; really sets the reader up for a change, for something important and hurtful to come. And it does.]
My abbreviated, or modifier-lightened lines opening this comment are what I might do, if this were mine. Of course, it's not, and what works for you is what counts. But, I wanted to give you reasons why I would trim in such a fashion : and the reason is that I think areas like 'small stone stature' carry more weight as images, that is, the modifiers [simple and clean as they are] carry extra power when they're among the very few . . .
Excellent writing, regardless of my nit picking thoughts.
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Post by brianedwards on Jun 10, 2008 22:59:20 GMT -5
Lynn, thanks again.
I like your suggestion VERY much. Not the trees prickling the sun, but the sun prickling the cobbles - I'd never have come up with that.
I'm going to try it out.
Also changed "small stone" to little - somehow seems more child-like and apt. Maybe cause when I read it, I hear it in my son's voice (it's one of his buzz words at the moment)
Thank you again Lynn, for the compliments too.
B.
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