Jealousy

[jessb8383]

You laid in the orphaned moonlight and stood still
My lips dripping down your body
& like a happy voyeur it was quiet pleasure for me just to watch your scream.

Mine-

I love when you are mine.
Out of their arms and free of their torturous wrestle-
You are no longer theirs.

How I hate them so,
The accumulation of their apathy
I cannot stand it; I cannot stand to watch their blatant lies

You know they lie to you, don’t you?
They tell you you’re pretty just to get a piece
They don’t understand your beauty is not a commodity

But I see it inside you-
As you come to me-
Your eyes
Your mouth
Your face-

They can’t love you like I do.

[abrahamsurefoot]

I think this needs serious work but there were some deft touches: I particularly enjoyed "orphaned moonlight" and "lips dripping down your body ". But there is a lot of repetition (watch your scream/ watch their lies) some redundancies (happy voyeur...quiet pleasure); and cliches which need rooting out (blatant lies; beauty not a commodity).

[brianedwards]

Hi Jess

Some good advice above re: repetition and cliche.
Also, might want to think about punctuation and modifiers. Are they adding anything to the poem?

Agree though: some nice touches and definitely worth working on.

Good luck with it.

B.