Can We Buy More Lives at the End?

[LynnDoiron]

A shades-of-gray ratty cat, middle-aged,
one eye gone demon red and double the size
of the other, lingers. He stays clear of me,
hides when I pass, whines in the night
till I flip a light, then he’s gone, as if never
there. A “chicken” cat, a fraidy cat
with no yellow stripe down his back
who won’t go away. My son’s wife has named
him “Forest” – not because he looks like Tom
Hanks, but because he comes out of oaks,
cottonwood, black walnut and pines draped
with vines near the creek. My son thinks I
should adopt Red Eye (I could never call him
Forest); I smile and move on as the cat
ducks out of sight, pretends he’s never been
there. I put scraps out for dawn’s raccoons to find
or Forest to steal and frown at his tenacity,
his going on with the demon eye now gone
foggy blue like a marble cut from sky.


[version 1]

A shades-of-gray ratty cat, middle-aged,
with an eye gone double the size of the other
and demon red, lingers. He stays clear of me,
hides when I pass, whines in the night
till I flip a light and he’s gone like he never
was there. A “chicken” cat, a fraidy cat
with no yellow stripe down his back
who won’t go away. My son’s wife has named
him “Forest” – not because he looks like Tom
Hanks, but because he came out of oaks,
cottonwood, black walnut and pines draped
with vines near the creek. My son thinks I
should adopt Red Eye (I could never call him
Forest) and I smile and move on and the cat
ducks out of sight when I near, as if
he’s never been there. I put scraps out
for dawn’s raccoons to find or Forest to steal
and frown at his tenacity for going on
with the demon eye now gone foggy blue
like a marble cut from sky.

[LynnDoiron]

I think I like my original better than the revision. Opinions?

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

a fraidy cat,
without a yellow stripe down his back,
who won’t go away. My son’s wife named
him “Forest”

It just didn't sound right to me Lynn,
R

[mfwilkie]

I like the flow and sound changes in the new one, chicky.

I didn't have any trouble understanding the phrasing Rick mentions, but there is a slight change in the rhythm/voice in
'who won't go away'; maybe you could describe it a different way.

What about using indicative stripe down his back, instead of yellow?

Coffee was was fun this am!

Mugs

[LynnDoiron]

It took me pretty much all day to see the suggested change, Rick. "without" rather than " with no" -- I just didn't see the change and thought you'd put the lines up because there was something about what was said that seemed no right; and, I could immediately see how "him" created ambiguity as to whether him referred to Forest or to my son . . .

mugs, indicative is not yellow. mostly I think this one is written pretty straight forward and yellow stays with the simple, although I do like the sound, the additional beats, indicative provides -- so, will think on it and see if I can kick it up and still keep the language sort of kicked to the curb.

what has bothered me during this last couple reads is the number of "I" usages. Seems like I should be able to sweep out some of those . . .

Coffee was fun! Let's do it again someimte?

[purplejacket]

...with one eye demon red, gone and double the size of...

maybe. I tried rearranging that idea several times. Saying three descriptions (gone, demon red and double-size) about one item (the eye) seems difficult to pull off.

maybe:
...with one demon-red eye socket
double the size of...

maybe just a comma would do it.

~.~
from there, I wonder what would happen if you connect these thoughts into bigger sentences:

...
one eye gone, demon red and double the size
of the other, stays clear of me,
hides when I pass, whines in the night
till I flip a light, then he’s gone as a ghost-
chicken-cat, a fraidy cat
with no yellow stripe down his back
who won’t go away.

I love the tension here. The need for closeness and the fear of it amid a general lack of fear - it's so strong.

Then when you mention your son's wife, it's a big change in what is happening in the poem. You've been describing the cat until now, characterizing him, and now you're talking about more human relation, though just for a second. It's jarring. Maybe you could mention that he comes out of the trees, and then that your daughter-in-law has named him Forest for this. This would also let you get rid of the disruptive mentioning of Tom Hanks. Also at the point, the line breaks seem more about keeping the shape of the poem than about their meaning.
so then, maybe something(?):

My son’s wife has named him “Forest” - not
because he looks like Tom Hanks,
but that he comes out of oaks, cottonwood,
black walnut and pines* draped with vines
near the creek. My son thinks I should adopt
Red Eye (I could never call him Forest);

* some trees are plural, others are singular...?

Red Eye (I could never call him Forrest)
who, when I near, has never been there.
(?) I put scraps out
for dawn’s raccoons to find or Forest to steal
and frown at his tenacity for going on
with the demon eye now gone foggy blue
like a marble cut from sky.

~.~

The demon red gone eye gives me the image of an eye that is truly gone - gouged out in a scrape years ago that he may not have won, but who can say? Then at the end, it seems the eye is there, just injured beyond repair. Also, being red at the beginning and blue a mere 18 lines away gave my head a tilt, though "marble cut from sky" was good.

When I read your title, I thought this would be about war. Not disappointed. Ever. Just playing for fun and enjoyment. Many lovely images, of course, I would expect no less from one who's work I can smell. This seems to me like a crappy review, but I did enjoy many parts.

[LynnDoiron]

p.j. -- the voice in this piece is my rural Cottonwood-ese, and I think that's a problem for some; I think it's the reason Rick is troubled by "with no"; and the "one eye gone demon red" is like saying "hair gone gray" -- or, "good luck gone bad" -- know what I mean? I thought, or hoped, the image of it double the size of the other eye would make it clearly there and not missing. It took over a year for the red to turn foggy blue.

I value every single one of your comments, girl. You give me things to consider, think about, figure out the reasons why I made the choices I made, if I had reasons at all. And I thank you kindly.

lynn

[purplejacket]

the "one eye gone demon red" is like saying "hair gone gray" -- or, "good luck gone bad" -- know what I mean?

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
ha ha

[LynnDoiron]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!
ha ha

Or, p.j. gone wacky!