Now

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Everything is perfect in this moment,
this frozen figment.

I don't crave the large mango
in the yellow bowl downstairs.

There is no water bill to pay,

no one to impress,

no need to dress-

to vacuum or dust;

no leaves to rake,
snow to shovel;

no burdens...


Perhaps I'll take a walk;
see the sparrows on the wire-

the naked yards, vacant drives,
unrippled puddles.

Each step brings me
to the place from where
I should never stray...

that moment
given by God;

a saced space
where I breathe

and know
His grace.

[MichaelFirewalker]

wow wow wow...I hope no one rips this into pieces----it is worded grace itself----and filled with understanding of what matters and what does not----it is beautifully, respectfully Zen, in the highest sense...

also, it left this roaring old lion with a pervasive, much needed sense of inner peace...

thank you for that, my friend...


michael

[Tina (Firefly)]

It's been a long time since I've seen a concrete poem, J., and this is a really fine one. My odd comment of the day is this: I think "treadmill" throws off the rhythm you've established and I would just leave it out. I love the assonance and most of all, I love the intention. Thank you. Thank you. Tina

[Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner]

Very beautiful Jon... I too found a calm and tranquil sense of being when I read this.... I think this piece is wonderfully written and takes the reader to place we can only dream of or read about but seldom experience in day to day life.... Thanks, Jarls

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Michaels and Tina. Appreciate your comments.

[Ken_Nye]

Oh, Jon. This just strucck me this morning. This is a poem to go on my mirror. Every day I will read this. (Even in summer.) I can't tell you how this gave me courage. Thank you.

Ken

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Jon, just wonderful, my friend. Nothing to crit.

[ramadevi]

Everything is perfect in this poem

It conveys inner peace contagiously.

Thank you!

I've tried to review it a number of times...but i have been encountering time-out errors with this site (and one other0 and have not been able to figure out why. Do you know if anyone else is having such troubles? It makes it hard to do reviews because i write them but they get lost. I will copy this one now, so if it gets lost i can just paste it in.

Anyway, even the errors are perfect, right?

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Ken, David and rama. Your comments mean a great deal to me.

[ramadevi]

IS that mango still sitting in the large yellow bowl downstairs?

[alfredo]

It moves me above myself...nuf sed....but consider

no leaves to rake,
nor snow to shovel;

no treadmill, burdens...


Perhaps I'll take a relaxed walk
and to see the sparrows on the wire,

[sandpiper]

Jonathon, this one really does leave one feeling that sense of peace. well done! and a beautiful moment. makes me want to go get a mango... lol... (jk, I know that defeats the purpose )
I agree with alfredo regarding the walk and the "and", although, I think I'd prefer a just "see the sparrows, without any "and" or "to" prior to the see... and in keeping with my seemingly odd preference for fragments, I think possibly to consider "Perfect, this moment, this frozen figment," or something along those lines.?..

Lovely though, I'd like one of those moments... every few minutes or so...
:-)
-piper

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Took that one right out of the park, brother, right over the monuments and into the seats. Ron

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thank you Alfredo, piper, and Ron. I used a combination of your suggestions, fredo and piper, and they helped the poem.

[mfwilkie]

Jon,

What if you deleted the comma here; would it change your intent?
What struck me about the combination is that treadmill burdens could be just the obvious as well as a description of the every day
struggles people go through.

no treadmill burdens...

Mags