Furious

[solwic]

Appreciate any and all help, guys and gals. I really want to become a better poet.

Furious

He came home drunk again, and late to boot.
I watched, across the street, as he pulled in
and slithered out, a snake dressed in a suit.
You stepped onto the porch, said, "Where you been?"

I think you know the answer well enough -
the lingering perfume that wafts from him;
the lipstick on his shirt; the undone cuff
of his left sleeve. He slurs, "I's at the gym."

At two a.m.? The only lifts he's done
involve a shot glass or a hooker's leg.
But, being you, you let him win this one -
And I, across the street, am left to beg

the universe for some way to divide
my love for you from my hatred of him.
The former should be clean and purified,
not sullied by the latter's violent whim.

[mfwilkie]

You are a good poet.

A couple of questions:

Is it enough to know that you watched, or do we need to know your exact position: across the street, or could those four syllables be put to better use?

The N couldn't possibly smell perfume from across the street,
or see lipstick smudges. He can only guess.

And watch your tense.




He came home drunk(.) Again. And late to boot.
I watched--my fingers crossed--as he pulled in. (-- is an m-dash.)


What slithered out? A snake. A wrinkled suit.
You stepped onto the porch, said, "Where you been?"

I think you know knew the answer well enough -
the lingering perfume that wafts from him;
Was there a hint of her perfume on him?
Some lipstick on his shirt? The undone cuff
I saw from here. He slurred, "I's at the gym."

At two a.m.? The only lifts he did
involved a shot glass or a hooker's leg.
But, being you, you let him win. this one - You did.
or ....You did. Or ...you did.
And I, across the street, I'm left to beg

My unrequited love is left to beg

the universe for some way to divide
my wanting you from my hatred of him.



The former should be clean and purified,
not sullied by the latter's violent whim. **

**Nowhere has N established that the guy is violent.
A cheat, for sure, but not violent.

The whole poem needs to rest on these last two lines.
What you have sounds like stalker-talk.

I think the poem needs to resolve around the N

My unrequited love is left to beg

the universe for some way to divide
my wanting you from my hatred of him
My moving on without you by my side,
convincing my heart you were just a whim.

It needs a better title, too, James.

Maggie