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Post by papazendada on Aug 26, 2010 19:59:29 GMT -5
I hold too many memories of the women I have wounded.
They haunt me like a hypocrites breathless hallelujah.
And my heart has gone thirty-five years burning in your temple.
The flesh of my ancestors sag around my bones,
and I’ve grown soft, slow and tired,
resigned to the fact that I may never find you again.
And I’m sorry if I’ve forsaken you, but I have nothing left to offer,
except for the ashes at the foot of this altar.
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Post by mfwilkie on Aug 30, 2010 9:01:55 GMT -5
Welcome, papazendada,
Lots of "I's, too many in fact. Here's a few lines of an edit reorganizing flow, wording images and editing excess:
my flesh sags with memories of the women wounded by my breathless hall-e-lu-jahs my hypocrisy. *
Time has left me soft, slow, tired—resigned
*Not sure if you even need this, but a title built around it would work with a side note as to who it's for, if you decide to remove it from the body of the poem.
The transition from all those women to one needs to be smoother,
In this example, the use of 'resigned' after all that 'soft, slow' moving establishes tension in the N and an opening for the heart, temple and the offering as long as it doesn't come across as cliché:
Time has left me soft, slow, tired—resigned
Remember, the last line of a poem needs to deliver a lot of weight to the reader.
Use what works for you, round file what doesn't. More than anything: listen to what you're hearing.
Maggie
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