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Post by Angel Clementine on Sept 1, 2008 5:40:06 GMT -5
Hunkered Down
(by Angel Clementine)
I hunker down for Gustav, through the night, snugged in the house in which my heart had grown, but cracked when my beloved's soul took flight. The news reporter asked, "Will you leave home?",
the mike gripped tightly in his neat, kempt hand with golden rings and well-hedged shiny nails in finger skin, the shade of dampened sand. I said, "I'll weather out the gusts and gales."
"You know that you may die", he grimly said. At four A.M., there's rain that starts and stops, then starts again, not far above my head; I catch the red light stream of city cops,
then pull my mask to blacken out my sight. I may awake, if I can make the night.
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Sept 1, 2008 15:03:57 GMT -5
Gustav
"You know that you may die", is what he said. At four A.M., the rain just starts and stops, then starts again, six feet above my head; I catch the red light stream of city cops, which sends my mask to blacking out my sight. I may awake, if I survive this night.
For Gustav I'll be honkered down tonight, snugged in the place my heart has grown and broken as my true love's soul took flight. He asked me if I'd flee from this, my home, the microphone gripped in his fancied hand of golden rings and well-hedged shiny nails beneath fat skin, the shade of whetted sand. I said, "I'll weather out these gusty gales."
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Post by LynnDoiron on Sept 1, 2008 22:31:49 GMT -5
This reads like lyrics to a song; puts me in mind of hurricanes and floods and storms in life that we simply have no control over. I can't offer any critical advice because I'm really inept in this area, but wanted you to know I had read, and enjoyed, the piece.
best regards, lynn
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Post by Angel Clementine on Sept 2, 2008 2:18:10 GMT -5
Sherry, I truly like your arrangement of my lines; it quite sounds like a read out of reader's digest, and offers a strong closing line. I would like to hold on to my Shakespearean sonnet style a while longer, even though your suggestion makes it very tempting for me to change. That writer in you shines through very brightly, according to what you had shown me. Thank you, my dear. You are very generous to had spent the time to help me. You have caused me to put the separation spacing between my verses. I hope and pray the best for you and your family, during Hannah. _Angel
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Post by Angel Clementine on Sept 2, 2008 2:32:18 GMT -5
Lynn, I have very often read and enjoyed other poets' writings, and then found myself wanting to just tell them that I was there, at least to read and enjoy (especially in the strange-to-me universe of ultra free, non metrical styles of poetry); I am glad to find I am not the only one to comment to the writer in a similar manner, as you have to me. You honor me with your time, and your well received remarks. Thank you. _Angel
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Sept 2, 2008 14:58:32 GMT -5
Hi Angel-
I quite like this, and I prefer it in the Shake Sonnet. A couple of minor thoughts:
I've always heard it as "hunkered down".
I hunker down, for Gustav, through the night, snugged in the house my tested heart has grown and cracked when my beloved's soul took flight. The news reporter asked, "Will you leave home?"
the mike gripped tightly in his fancied hand of golden rings and well-hedged shiny nails beneath fat skin, the shade of dampened sand. I said, "I'll weather out the gusts and gales."
"You know that you may die", he grimly said. At four A.M., there's rain that starts and stops, then starts again, six feet above my head; I catch the red light stream of city cops,
which sends my mask to blacking out my sight. I may awake, if I can make the night.
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Post by Angel Clementine on Sept 2, 2008 16:20:49 GMT -5
David, You are absolutely amazing. Thank you for all the helpful advice. _Angel
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Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Sept 3, 2008 7:02:45 GMT -5
You're very welcome. Great sonnet, Angel. ;D
David
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sanctus
EP 250 Posts Plus
And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.~FN
Posts: 389
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Post by sanctus on Sept 5, 2008 10:30:29 GMT -5
I might say "I hunker down with Gustav," "in his fancy hand," and end with "I'll wake up if I can make the night." This is an action filled sonnet so active is is preferable to passive. Great sonnet, loved it!
Daniel
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