Mod1 - Yesterday can never be tomorrow

[alfredo]

On the 38th floor
among corporate clouds
inspecting the mass of black
glass that creates a valley
of shadows.
And nearby, worker ants
in fluorescent coats and hats
pick their way through
the red rust steel rising from
concrete flats - one more platform
incrementally above the last.
Removing views of beautiful blue
and winding rivers that flow below
just to give it back
… to the lucky few.

There was a time in this very place,
not long ago, like warm oil,
where every colour, shape and shade
changed as you looked, as a table before you.

But yesterday can never be tomorrow..

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I absolutely love this, alfredo, sprinkled with assonance and rhyme. I also love "warm oil". No nits right now.

[sandpiper]

I do love that mass of black glass reflecting back... that was fUN to read!, and as a whole a sad tribute to the life of the high office.

a couple of suggestions for you to ponder. as always- just my take...

On the 38th floor
among the corporate clouds
inspecting the mass of black
glass reflecting back;
that creates a valley of shadows.

For above, you could have:

inspecting the mass of black
glass reflecting back
a valley of shadows

And nearby, worker ants
in fluorescent coats and hats
pick their way between
the red rust steel sticking through
the concrete flat - one more platform
incrementally above the mass.

Here, I would prefer:
the concrete flat - one more platform
incrementally above the last.
1. to avoid the "mass" duplication, and 2. it just made more sense to me while reading

Removing views of beautiful blue
and winding rivers that flow below
just to give it back
… to the lucky few.

(for this section, I'm not completely sold on the beautiful blue although the image is necessary to the picture created. so, I'm not sure what to suggest there, but wanted to add:
I like the "flow below" but something in my mind wants "flow into" to pick up the blue rhyme....
also, the give it back. since it is referring to views I think possibly give them back.

For the ending everything works, except for in my opinion the "Table" I'm not sure if that's the best word choice there. but if I'm missing intention there (quite possible) let me know.

Great write though, thoroughly enjoyed reading this one this morning.
-piper

[alfredo]

Believe your suggestions will take it to a new level , but need time to ponder.

The table and other words here and there, are a veiled Psalm 23 "In the valley of the shadows .. "

[mfwilkie]

'fredo,

Some thoughts:


There was a time in this very place,
not long ago, like warm oil,
where every colour, shape and shade
changed as you looked, as a table before you.


On the 38th floor
among the of corporate clouds
inspecting the a mass of black glass
reflects ing back;
that creates a the valley of shadows it creates.
And nearby, worker ants
in fluorescent coats and hats * Love this!
pick their way through between
the red rust steel rising from sticking through
the concrete flats - one more platform
incrementally above the mass.
Removing views of beautiful blue
and winding rivers that flow below
just to give it back
… to the lucky few.


But yesterday can never be tomorrow..

A new title maybe.

Maggie

[alfredo]

Im trying for a Piper/Maggies amalgam ...and the result is??

[sandpiper]

In the revision I really miss the reflect back... so, I'd see if there was a way to add that back in.
For the 23rd psalm... possibly 23rd floor. or something in the title to hint more at it, it wasn't something my mind went to, but very apparent now that I know that was what you were going for. and I like how you worked it all in. the oil, the shadows, the table. (or I could just be slow, and it was apparent to everyone but me....
I'll think more on that...
-piper

[mfwilkie]

I miss that, too, piper.