|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 2, 2008 16:09:06 GMT -5
morning’s found
the old Scot’s heart
sorely tore
his Cumin kilts
and leather belts
sternly wrapped
halt the bleed
kilted pleats
still sure
razor edges
all pressed neat
stand unbent
erect for war
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 16:16:17 GMT -5
I love it, Michael. One thought, though. In S2, L2, wouldn't it be better to start with "are" instead of "is"?
Great rhythm and a dash of rhyme.
|
|
|
|
Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 2, 2008 17:34:23 GMT -5
I take it your talking about the Cummings Clan, Michael.
This poem says to me it's easier to hide behind one's emotions than to be truthful to one's self.
Why did you say sorely tore instead of sorely torn?
Your economy with words is admirable...........I asked myself why his heart was torn.
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 2, 2008 17:40:47 GMT -5
Hi some more, David----glad you like him----he is me, in case you couldn't tell----Cumin is my clan----but I am a little confused by your question, since I didn't start S2-L2 with "is", but with "be", like an old Scot would...so, help?
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by David Nelson Bradsher on Feb 2, 2008 17:42:04 GMT -5
My bad, Mick. I meant "be". Do you think "are" would work better there?
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 2, 2008 17:54:59 GMT -5
a truly fascinating response from you, Jon----what exactly is it in this poem that strikes you as the old man being untruthful to himself?----is it the fact that he stands ready for a war not of his making?----he is a warrior----truth is his war----and the fact of that is his truth----so, how is he being untruthful to himself?
michael
ps----the use of tore instead of torn is one of those archaic flourishes in the old man's language, which I described to David above...
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 2, 2008 18:01:53 GMT -5
I see where you're coming from now, David, and I do understand that "be" is archaic, but he is an old Scot, and he colors his English with many archaic flourishes----in that light, do you think it's okay to use "be"?
michael
|
|
|
|
Post by mfwilkie on Feb 2, 2008 18:18:47 GMT -5
I don't think 'be', which sounds more jive in this instance than archaic, does the subject matter justice, Mick.
I'd remove it, and concentrate on the image.
Suggestions:
morning’s found
an old the old Scot’s heart
sorely tore
his Cumin kilts
and leather belts
sternly wrapped
round
halt the bleed
but his kilted pleats
be are standing sure
razor-edgeds
all pressed and folded neat
unbent, erect for war
|
|
|
|
Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 2, 2008 18:27:43 GMT -5
O, that's very good, Mags!----and also what I wanted to know...will revise...
thanks,
mick
|
|
