Chaos theory (ver 6)

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Chaos is inherent in all compounded things.
Strive on with diligence.
Buddha

I do not think of myself as

snow that swirls in a Himalayan pass
like a giant funnel cloud of gnats.

Nor an oak tree on a fluorescent hill,
a defiant silhouette that rules its green space.

No, I am not image nor alchemy―

just a scrap of torn paper
that skips along the sidewalk
like a little house sparrow .
And when people reach for me,
I give a clever hop.

So they will never know
that scribbled on me in indelible ink―

is the secret of the steady wind.

[Vasile Baghiu]

A very beautiful poem, Leo! And a well-written one, as far as I see... I love reading it. Congratulations!
Vasile

[Sherry Thrasher]

My world has been full of meta-poetical poems today. My only suggestion would be to change space in to space with. Other than that not much to say except well done as I'm in process of skipping along myself. Unfortunately, my path leads to a philosophy exam on the study of epistemology which leaves me with the impression that I know absolutely nothing at all.

On a side note: I saw your photos of Mt. Whitney and the John Muir trail. Fortunately, conservationists like Muir were forward thinkers and held to pantheism. Thoreau stated: " in wildness lies the preservation of the world" which is simply my round-about way of stating that I immensely enjoyed the photos.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

Indelible image Leo. Very effective use of line breaks. I like the way it allowed me to form each thought without tugging me to continue to the next line. Would it be correct to assume from your introductory statement, the mood expressed means that you can't see the Sharpie scribbles sometimes?...

"is the secret of love and happiness."
right underneath my knows.

Rick

[Tina (Firefly)]

These are such extraordinary images -- fresh, clever and intriguing. I was easily caught up in the intent and feel you captured it perfectly in a very intelligent closure. I have only two "not-so-sure's." Although the image of a giant funnel of white gnats is totally surprising (and a good visual), I'm not convinced that it's the right simile'. (it's not a metaphor, right? I need to look that up) What about: like a giant funnel of downy feathers? Then, I'm not so nuts about 'sharpie ink." I might suggest a poetic color in it's place -- maybe "that scribbled on me in fuschia ink." Anyhow, it's very well drawn and thought-provoking. Good one! Tina

[LynnDoiron]

Leo, Excellent quote to open this, followed by the clean opening line, which, for whatever reason comes to me as fresh, and crisp like a brand new day can be. I also very much like all the first half or better of this poem, and the following stanza as well -- but I had a couple thoughts in its regard. 1.) what if you let the paper sit, unmoving, rather than hop, the way grillitos will do, then have it skip out of reach? My meddlesome tweaks reflect what I mean:

just a scrap of torn paper
that waits along the sidewalk
like a little cricket
who gives a clever skip
when people reach.

The other reason that I offer the above suggestion is that somewhere in that stanza the simile goes out of itself, and the cricket becomes the poet/poem/me of the piece, but the stretch, as written, doesn't quite make it for me. Feel free to ignore these thoughts, Leo.

Then, if the above ideas work for you and the poem, in your end lines, consider becoming the cricket/poem/rosetta stone/wing of wisdom there with something like:

This morning the secrets of happiness
are scribbled in fuchsia ink
on the undersides of my thighs.

Either way, some damned fine writing in this, Leo.

lynn
with the secrets of happiness.

[sanctus]

Nice poem Leo. Ironically, you speak not of chaos, but of order. You could almost end without the last line if you changed the wording slightly. "So they will never know
what's scribbled on me in fuchsia ink---" Love the hidden irony here.

Daniel

[cwells]

Had to, had to! register as a member to put to viewable print my reaction to this poem. I'd guess its been a year or more since I've read a poem that opened me to it, and granted access to my closed parts. I'm not as fond of fuschia as I am of sharpie...although I've tried the two against each other and loosely tied the secret of love and happiness around each and come up with merit for both...something like... fuschia is to intangible possible, as sharpie is to tangible permanent. Either way, oh, I will keep this poem as my conduit for as long as it allows me:)

[bulerias]

This poem is a true gem!! Its simplicity in thought is humble; its sparseness of language is strong and elegant. I was truly impressed by it, truly impressed by how the author almost "became" that piece of paper. I wonder what the author would write if he were in the vortex of a hurricane? Just a thought....

[Marion Poirier]

Leo, I think the title is contradictory and agree with
Daniel about dropping the ending line. That would
make more sense. Buddha couldn't come up with
the answer - he is saying in essence - Do the
best you can in the face of chaos.
The last version is a far cry from your first thought -

M

[Tina (Firefly)]

I do like this version the best, except for the last line. Somehow, "the secret of the happy wind" just seems like the ending to a child's tale. I think I agree with Daniel that it might be better to leave off the last line, or, perhaps:

"that scribbled on me in indeliable ink is

the secret."

[purplejacket]

Leo, man, what an enjoyable thing to read. I love the little sparrow. I love that it's a house sparrow while you get to be outside, maybe hinting that both are caged. Both seem alone, but cheerful. Strange.

I'm not so sure about "happy wind."

[PantheUs]

this reninds me of
play tym when i was a child
on the marry go round

happy, fun, until the sun went down

laughing with my frends
until the tym came


Leo, i am in the moment
and i luv yu

[reader0202 (Chris)]

Leo, I really like this poem! Lots of shifting in though and feeling... excellent!

[brianedwards]

I am clapping with one hand Leo. Stunning!

B.

[PantheUs]

hi Leo
this for me
is lots of fun to read

humble
and
free

yu give the reader
something to think about

gd wk my frend

[ramadevi]

WOW~

I'm clapping with the other hand.
(and a clever, but humble hop)
LOL

[Ken_Nye]

Hey, Leo, you're growing on me. This is beautiful. The sparrow metaphor is perfect.

Ken