Mid-November

[Ken_Nye]

In mid-November, when the trees are bare,
and the smell of burning leaves
hangs lightly on the breeze----

when the solemn silence of an autumn afternoon
is made holy by the chanted anthem of a wing of southbound geese----

when the slanting sunlight of late afternoon fades into twilight,
and the twilight dissolves into the blue-black sky of evening----

when Mom and Dad have returned from work
and are busy feeding the kids
or wrapping them in towels as they climb out of the tub----

old men are still outdoors,
leaning on their rakes,
denying the darkness.

[purplejacket]

and they have banjos in their laps...

I've seen them too

(btw, I liked this. )

[Ken_Nye]

Hey, watchi it. I'm pne of those guys.

[purplejacket]

I play banjo. No offense intended.

[Ken_Nye]

I was just kidding. No offense taken.

Ken

[mfwilkie]

Hey there, Ken,

I love the rhythm I hear in this! Have you started dabbling in meter? ;D

A couple of thoughts right off the bat, my friend:

I'd use 'When' to open this, Ken. It's use settles the rhythm of the opening verse and edits out the excess of 'the' before 'trees'.

Consider enjambing your lines a bit differently, too, Ken, to complete an image

When mid-November trees are bare
and the smell of burning leaves
hangs faintly on the breeze,

This next section is a bit wordy, Ken, and trying to be poetic. I think the simplicity of language in your opening image, which is very strong and present in your ending stanza, should be duplicated here.

Consider 'wedge' for 'wing' and moving the 'southbound geese' up to begin this next section'

and a wing/wedge of southbound gesse
annoint a slanting autumn afternoon

when and the vespers silence of an autumn afternoon
is made holy by the faint honking of a wing of southbound geese,
high in the sky; This repeats a wing of southbound geese and isn't necessary, Ken.
when the slanting late afternoon sun fades into twilight,
and the twilight dissolves into evening
under a dark blue sky
with a harvest moon rising over the trees;
when Mom and Dad have returned from work
and are busy feeding the kids
or wrapping them in towels as they climb out of the tub, * I'd edit this part out, Ken. It detracts from the imagery and gets in the way of your 'old men' who I love, btw.

old men are still remain/or will stay outdoors
denying the darkness,
unwilling to concede
that the day has ended. the end of day.

This trims it a bit, Ken. My V, for sure, but I think you'll see and hear
why I made the cuts I did.


When mid-November trees are/or go bare
and the smell of burning leaves
hangs faintly on the breeze,

and a wing/wedge of southbound gesse
annoints a slanting autumn afternoon
with shades of twilight, old men remain
outdoors dening darkness, unwilling
to concede the end of day to mundane things.

'Mundane things' being a very compressed substitution for the Mom and Dad section of the poem.

Thanks for such wonderful images to review.

I wrote a geese piece this afternoon too, and am just mulling the opening over before I post it.

Hi to Anne.

Maggie

[Ken_Nye]

Thanks, Mag, so mucih for the thoughtful critique. I don't know where you find the time tp be so thorough in your reviews. I am going to take your revision under advisement. It eliminates a lot of stuff that I spent a lot of time on. But you are on to something, I think.
It's the first serious review/critique from an EP person that I'v'e gotten in a long time. My lousy reviewing record has finally caught up with me, I think. On Election night, after Barack Obama's victory speech, I was so up and high about what our country had done I pulled out "On Freedom" that I posted last July (and you were the only person that looked at it on EP). I entitled the post "Election Day, 2008." That was at about 1:00 a.m. Later that morning Leo posted his wonderful little poem about the election. My post, now entitled simply "On Freedom." is sliding down the page not having been read by anyone (again) and as time moves along, the connection of the poem to the events of the day become less and less obvious. Leo has collected quite a bit of feedback. I know I sound petty and petulant, but I think I have dug a hole on EP that I no longer have the energy to dig out of. In the last six months, most of my postings on EP have been poems that dealt with my mother's failing health and deterioration due to Alzheimer's. People reacted to those pieces with sympathy and understanding, but they were reluctant to critique them, possibly because they remembered my temper tantrum of a year or two back. But I haven't had much of a response to my other postings. As you know, I'm dealing with a slower life style now, not by choice, and I simply cannot keep up with the pace and expectations on EP.

Having said all that, I will say again that I really appreciate your dedication to this site. And I appreciate your review of this poem

Ken
.

[brianedwards]

Ken, I enjoyed your poem, I thought Maggie's feedback was excellent (as always, I agree, she is magnificent) but the post above just brought me to tears.
Ken, I don't know you, you don't know me. I'm relatively new around here, but the support and encouragement you've given me in the last few, what, weeks (?!?) has been amazing. I apologise, sincerely, if that hasn't been repaid with thorough critiques of your work. I confess, I have been put off commenting at times because of the subject matter - like I said, we don't know each other, you know. Sometimes you feel like you gotta know a person before you can comment on the serious stuff.
Anyway, all of this is to say, I appreciate you, your poetry, your comments, and will be seeking out your work just as soon as I can get these kids to bed (it's 2am here!!) and catch up on some sleep.

Thank you Ken.

B.

BTW, My son is called Ken - Japanese for wisdom.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

God, Ken that was just so good. I love it. I don't know how much this varies from the original, if any, but Damn this is good. Worry about skills slipping should be over. Outstanding work. Ron

[mfwilkie]

This is an excellent revision, Ken,

I like how smoothly you worked mom, dad and the kids back in.

Nice, very nice

Reading it again, Ken, what about lightly for faintly?

Maggie

[alfredo]

Occasionally one jumps out at you
And you have to respond.
This is just such a piece
May I say I wish I had penned this!
But I could not.