When Life Says Enough

[Laura Stone]

When life says enough...

it doesn’t wait around
for the rest of us;
it is oblivious
to the concept of time,
or any thought of others
it leaves behind.

It comes
and blows the dust
from corners,
rearranges the place
of things, rustling
secrets hidden
in crooks and crannies.

Every part of who you are
wishes to cover it up,
put it back in proper
order; the dust where it
belongs; the dirt left
where no one will see.

[MichaelFirewalker]

content:
what I hear in this poem is that such secret struggles are often too dangerous to hide away, allowing them to fester into emotional/physical disease in some forgotten corner of the mind/heart?----you seem to be hinting that it might be wiser to expose them to the self, and have it out with them, and also with whoever else is involved in them, doing that in whatever ways seem most practical...

technical:
very frankly, I like this as it is, although I know others may not agree----your work has improved markedly in the last year or so----this poem is concise, with clear word choices----it has a pleasant and logical flow of thought and emotion----by the time the reader reaches the last line, "where no one will see", the reason for writing the poem is clear, that it is better not to hide the truth, or life itself will expose it for you...

hugs,
michael

[Ken_Nye]

Clever, clever piece. I suspect that this little poem could mean different things to different people.

I don't understand the first phrase, "It doesn't wait around for the rest of us." This implies that life has been dealing with someone else,, leaving you as part of "the rest of us." Can you see my question? "The rest of us" implies a large body of (people?) of which you and those wih you are "the rest" of the entire body. Who are "the rest" of the larger body?
This is kind of picky, isn't it? Why don't you forget this question.

[johnnysaturn]

This is really excellent; the rueful tone of the final stanza is just perfectly judged. I would though consider tightening up Stanza 1; "conscious awareness" sounds almost redundant to me and is closely followed by the word "thought".
In my mind I condensed this down to something like:

it is oblivious
to time
careless of the others
it will leave behind

Others no doubt will say different.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I have to side with Johnny on the trim-job for the first stanza.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I, too, really like Johnny's idea although it may leave your voice too far out of the mix. If so, you may think about:

It doesn't wait around,
has no awareness of time,
no thought of others
it will leave behind.

I'd also change "you" to {us} in L1S3 and "into" to {in} in L3S3, but that's most likely just me. Nice work, Laura, very nice.
Ron

[mfwilkie]

Laura,

Did you use the title as the first line of your draft?

Maggie

[Laura Stone]

Yes Maggie.... the title has been the first line of this piece all along.

Laura

[mfwilkie]

One suggestion, then:

You might write it this way to clue the reader:

When life says enough...

Maggie

[Laura Stone]

Hi Ken,

I thought I would address your thoughts here. My uncle died last week leaving the rest of who were in shock over his sudden death in a state of disbelief, hence the first lines of this piece, "when life says enough, it doesn't wait around for the rest of us' (to get our acts together, to deal with the aftermath, etc... it just says enough with or without our desire to move in what happens). I found out 2 days ago that I have had a cousin for 30 years that I never knew of, a one link to our family he left who though she had only found him a couple years ago and was really only in the last 6 months building a relationship with someone he never knew about, still kept it from all of us save one aunt who had been told... that is what I meant by secrets; secrets in a family who over the years would have left things settled, all the dust in place, all the dirt where no one could see... I hope this clears up a little of what you have seen in this piece. What a last few days; like making up for time that can't be gotten back. Life is short that much we know; reflection of how it's lived was my process here.

Laura

[Tina (Firefly)]

Hi Laura.. I always enjoy reading your work. There is something about you that I feel very connected to, and your intention in each of your poems speaks to my heart. After I read about your "long lost cousin", I understood this one even better. I am also of the opinion that the first verse could use a little revision. I think it is in the tone of that opening that actually needs to be re-thought. It opens a little too much like a riddle and sets up the reader for something different than you intend. (At least that's my opinion). I also do not like the rhyme at the end of the first verse. A rhyme there continues the whimsy of the opening ""riddle''' and this piece is more serious than that...... still, I found it intriguing. Tina

[Laura Stone]

Tina,

Do you have any suggestions. I am embarrassed to say that this was really a first draft with little changes before I posted it. I tend to do that because I don't like to revise the bones of what I do too much without deeper thought and am too young (of course not in age!) a student of writing to formulate a direction in which it might or should go. I would appreciate your thoughts or any others. Thank you for your kind words on this piece.

Laura