Post Card to Billy Collins/First Revision

[mfwilkie]

Your latest book rests comfortably atop yesterday’s mix of genres
now that the pressure from my hands is off its spine.

I had plans for a poem of my own this morning
built around the pleasure of an Indian Summer day
and the ducks of unknown ethnicity fishing for breakfast
just outside windows open to those thoughts,

but I had to put them aside an refit the frames of my bifocals
with magnifying glass to achieve a deeper reach into the realm
of physical imagination for my desk had suddenly become

the crippled deck of the HMS Sutherland where, amid his many
difficulties, Horatio awaits rescue from the force of ink and pen.

The canon smoke rising from the post card in your hands comes,
without courtesy, from the leaf-burning nut case next door
who never took lesson one in wind-reading.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Yep- I hear Billy loud and clear........well done, Maggie.

Check typo in L1.

[brianedwards]

First read, I'm not sure about the lines and punctuation in this mugs. It feels unnecessarily hard to read in places, like I'm struggling for a pause. I don't think that fits the Collins style which you've nailed elsewhere in terms of images and ideas.
Will come back later,

B.

[LynnDoiron]

M -- I agree with B. What follows is just pure play on my part in an effort to break up the info for sort of, dare I say? dramatic pause . . .

Your latest book rests with comfortable appreciation
atop yesterday’s mix of genres

now that the pressure
is off its spine; and though this morning held
the promise of a new poem

in the several ducks
of unknown ethnicity
whose activity sent ripples across the lake
and the ecstasy of waking
to another day of Estate di San Martino,

I had to pause and refit
the frames of my bifocals
with magnifying glass for a deeper reach
into the realm of physical imagination

for my desk
had suddenly become
the crippled deck of the Sutherland
where Horatio,
amid his difficulties,
awaits rescue from the force of pen and ink.

The canon smoke you smell comes, without
courtesy, from the leaf-burning nut case next door
who never took lesson one in wind reading.

[Despite what may look like I don't like -- I do.]

ld

[brianedwards]

Great revision mugs. That reads a lot smoother for me now.
I'd still like a comma, or maybe a break after imagination. I see Lynn broke it there too (but I do prefer the longer lines you have kept).

One suggestion:

The canon smoke rising from the post card in your hands
comes, without courtesy, from the leaf-burning nut case next door
who never took lesson one in wind-reading.

That suits my ear better.
I love your italicized suddenly by the way. I'm sure B.C. would appreciate that!

B.

[mfwilkie]

I think you're right about that comma, b.

Lynn,

I think we crossed posts.

Have a look at the revision when you get a chance.

I like the original much better with your enjambment, btw.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

Your latest book rests comfortably atop yesterday’s mix of genres
now that the pressure from my hands is off its spine.
[better]

I had plans for a poem of my own this morning(,)
one built around the pleasure of an Indian Summer day
and the ducks of unknown ethnicity
fishing for breakfast just outside windows
open to those thoughts,

but I had to put [them] (my plans) aside and refit the frames of my bifocals
with magnifying glass to achieve a deeper reach
into the realm
of physical imagination.

for m My desk had suddenly become the crippled deck
of the HMS Sutherland where, amid his many
difficulties, Horatio awaits rescue from the force of ink and pen.

The canon smoke rising from the post card in your hands comes,
without courtesy, from the leaf-burning nut case next door
who never took lesson one in wind-reading.


Ten:fifty here in Rosarito. Sleep soon. Nitey-nite, M.

L.