A History of Loyalty

[mfwilkie]

Interesting piece, b.

I'm fighting the urge to tell you to enjamb. There are some great lines and phrases here that should be showcased.

Thinking on it.

Mugs

[LynnDoiron]

When I was a samurai, I grew my hair long, [like this alot]
rode a horse and took a male lover, a wakashû,
a tiger swallowtail of sin. [beat-wise, the tiger throws me off; but I really like 'a swallowtail of sin' -- love that in fact, for its sound and sexuality somehow]

The execution of my daimyô
gifted me an abandonment of duty
and descent into the fraudulence of monkhood. [I don't follow these three lines, can't get their meaning; the sound is not there and beat seems absent, or rhythm off somehow

After two years of debauchery and prayer,
a paddy-field's worth of shôchû and saké, [beat is back for me in these two lines; and sound]
enough geisha and kagema to rewrite the bushido, [here too. really like this stanza. if i had to pick at something, it would be to begin at 'Years of debauchery' and omit the After two.]

my fellow forty-six rônin and I [ah, but now I see that if you omit 'After two' the whole of the thought gets messed with -- not sure what to say about that.]
returned to avenge a master's homicide [perhaps omit returne to and go with 'avenged a master's homicide]
with the decapitation of the Suké of Kôzuké.

Tantô were subsequently turned on ourselves
and a swift and muscular left to right motion
ended my first life in disembowelment. [seems obvious to me]

Imagine my surprise two hundred years later
[Two hundred years later, surprised]
at being reincarnated as a kamikaze pilot,
[to be reincarnate as a kamikaze pilot,]
20 years old, commander of 2000kg of steel

and glass, propelled by national the songs of a nation,
and a divine wind carried by the scent of plum blossoms
to a Pacific destination, whose name I'd never heard,

for reasons I feared but did not understand,
my face an expressionless Noh mask
illumined by flashing dials -- fire approached.

In my third incarnation
I'm a company employee.
I wield no steel,
I fly no plane.
I haven't seen a horse
in a decade.

I ride the train to work,
6 days a week.
My marriage is monogamous,
heterosexual,
sexless.

I wear a conservative suit,
carry a small black briefcase.

Though I can now reveal
I murdered the noble, Kira Yoshinaka,
and my plane attacked
the USS Intrepid, October 24th, 1944,
I am forbidden to reveal
my current employer's name.

And as sure as my wallet is filled
with a plastic accumulation of points
and debt,

you can be sure
it shall remain
unspoken.

B -- some thoughts from me for you to consider. I do like this better emjambed. What do you think of the lines going shorter and shorter as the narrative becomes less heroic and more plainly day-to-day, more terse?

Love that the narrative voice is not going to fall on his sword this time by revealing the company name . . .

[brianedwards]

Thanks Lynn.

I like the idea of reducing line length and lots of the other stuf you mention too.
I'm gonna throw this around a little, see if a decent poem comes out the other end. I think the potential is there. Thanks both for helping me see it.

B.

BTW: Tiger Swallowtail is a kind of butterfly. I don't like live fluttering butterflies (things that flutter creep me out) but I do love to look at them, and this breed in particular is quite amazing. Which is just to admit that even if it sounded odd, I really wanted to put it in a poem! Ha!

[mfwilkie]

There isn't much to be changed here, b. I like the way it reads enjambed: very good made better.

Love: my tender tiger swallowtail of sin.

Maggie