The Craft

[alfredo]

From time to time
I step outside this world
to seek some words
to wash away misery
to calm a thousand
selfish storms
to focus on the and lonely
and forgotten

or with my pen
hold above
a prism of love
lost now forgotten,
just so it will shine
once more
perhaps with words that blow
gentle embers
on forgotten dreams

or lift a little, the fogs that
snuff out liberty
or raise the flags of the fallen
to once more, catch the wind
magnify the poor in spirit
resurrect something
lost to pride and prejudice
to fill arid minds
with fruits
of imagination
slipping delicious drops
on dry mouths
of readers
to convey
the beauty I survey
with words
I pray
will catch the breath
or lift a hand
to the mouth
in wonder.

Original

From time to time
I step outside this world
to seek some words
to wash away misery
to calm a thousand
selfish storms
that pound the undeserving
to focus on the forgotten
and lonely

or with my pen
hold above
a prism of love
lost now forgotten,
just so its will shine
once more
perhaps with words that blow
gently the embers
on forgotten dreams

or lift a little, the fogs that
snuff out liberty
or raise the flags of the fallen
to once more, catch the wind
magnify the poor in spirit
resurrect something lost
to pride and prejudice
to fill arid minds
with the fruits
of my imagination
slipping delicious drops
on the dry mouth
of the reader
to accurately convey
the beauty I survey
with words
I pray
will catch the breath
or lift the hand
to the mouth
in wonder.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like that quite a bit, my only suggestion is to let the reader catch a breath. I would period and line break at once more as the tone seems to change pace at that point. Love your word usage and the flow.

[alfredo]

Thanks so much for reviewing. You made me LOL with "I would let the reader catch a breath" . you will see I have broken it in a couple of places. Hope I can add something equally constructive and amusing, to your work over time ...heartfelt thnks

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I like the breaks, here are few ideas which you can most likely discard. Nice work. Ron

From time to time
I step outside this world
to seek some words
to wash away misery
to calm a thousand
selfish storms
that pound the undeserving    rhythm
to focus on the forgotten (I'd switch "forgotten and lonely")
and lonely       That's just me though.

or with my pen
hold above
a prism of love
lost now forgotten,
just so its will shine {its will shines} or {it will shine}
once more
perhaps with words that blow
gently the embers
on forgotten dreams

or lift a little, the fogs that
snuff out liberty
or raise the flags of the fallen
to once more, catch the wind
magnify the poor in spirit
resurrect something lost
lost to pride and prejudice
to fill arid minds
with the fruits
of my imagination
slipping delicious drops
on the dry mouths
of the readers
to accurately and convey
the beauty I survey
with words
I pray
will catch the breath
or lift the a hand
to the mouth
in wonder.

[alfredo]

Thanks sooo much Ron.
I drank every drop of your skilled and patient advice
...see the changes

[mfwilkie]

'fredo,

There's a lot this draft has to offer with it's intent, but I think
it is a bit over-dramtic and that word choices and flow is a large part of ithe problem.

You mention pen and I'm not quite sure your opening stanza refers to words of speech rather than written words.

But pen seemed like the logical place to start this draft
since you say you step outside your regular environment
to look for these words.

Here's an example of what I mean.

From time to time, I reach beyond the everyday vernacular
my pen has grown comfortable. I reach for words I can use
to calm a thousand selfish storms, words whose focus
is the lonely and forgotten with the power to lift their misery, words of encouragement to fan the embers of tramped-on dreams.

Maggie