Alone (edit)

[Vasile Baghiu]

In an old notebook
yesterday
I found
a few
telephone numbers.

I called.

Each time
a recorded voice said
the number did not exist.

The world has changed
so much

lately.

[MichaelFirewalker]

content:
a wonderful poem, Vasile----it evoked a strong sense of loss in this reader----what a great vehicle for describing how easily and quickly emotional isolation can occur in one's life, simply by not keeping up personal contacts at the frequencies required by life in the digital age...excellent...

technicals:
no real bumps for me, except maybe in S4-L1, instead of "still I think of" you might try "and I became more aware of", which, even though it does use two more words, might say what you want to say here a little more clearly...

hugs,
michael

[mfwilkie]

Some thoughts on the opening, Vasile.

Yesterday,
I called
a few
telephone numbers
I found
in an old notebook.

In each case
a recorded voice said
the number did not exist.

Still I think of
how much
the world has changed
lately.

[Vasile Baghiu]

Thank you, Michael and Maggie for the kind comments and suggestions. I will think more of them and come back. The first stanza should need changes I think, but I will see. Thanks again!
Vasile

[Ken_Nye]

I loved this, Vasile. It's direct, succinct story is thought-provoking and intriguing.

Here's a metaphysical thought: The telephonecompany told you the numbers you called did not exist. Yet you dialed those numbers. They do exist. But they didn't lead to any person on the othr end. I don't know what could do with this, but it came to me as I ed your poem.

Ken

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Hi Vasile....a simple thought crystallized in a few telling words.

I like Maggie's edit and Ken's thought as well, both of which I, myself contemplated before reading their reviews.

Also, I wonder if you need "Still" in the last stanza.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Vasile-

After I read this, I tried to think of ways to possibly better rearrange this, and then I saw that Maggie had pretty much read my mind. I do like her revision suggestion.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

My friend, an excellent read, I was pleased to find your voice here again. I love Maggie's suggested edits, but I also like simply moving "yesterday" up to line two.
I would replace "Still" with {And} or simply state, {The world has changed / too much lately} or, {so much lately}. Regardless, Vasile this is well done and very enjoyable to read.
Ron

[mfwilkie]

Your idea for yesterday works nicely, too, Ron.

And I like your suggestion of beginning the last line with 'The'.

Mags

[Vasile Baghiu]

Thank you so much, friends, for your support! I have made a modified version of the poem. I hope it works better. Thanks again!
Vasile