Beginning with Fog

[purplejacket]

when the wee hours
arrive without a wink
work often begins with
I can't sleep, and the thought
        that gets in the way...

but when morning light shines
on those lines they burn off
like fog that rose in the night

[Marion Poirier]

Nice one, Mandy. I think a bit less rhyme in S2
and eliminate second that. My two-cents worth.
Happy New Year!
Marion


when the wee hours
arrive without a wink
it often begins with
I can't sleep, and the thought I'd italicize first 3 words.
that gets in the way...

but when morning light shines
on those lines, comma they burn off
like fog that rose rising in the night

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

I always appreciate power in brevity, probably because I can never achieve it. I like this as it is, but also, being a proponent of the much (unfairly) maligned gerund, I really like Marion's suggestion for the last line. For me the image works better. Excellent in any regard. Ron

[purplejacket]

The present participle may sound better, but it doesn't make any sense. It has to be past tense because the morning light doesn't shine during the nighttime, which is when fog rises. I could change the that to which, at least I think I could. There is a grammar rule about when to use which, but I that's one I've never fully understood.

Maybe some tweaking is needed, but I actually kinda like it as is. The only thing I don't like is the "it" in S1. It leaves something out that I've just been too lazy to say more accurately. I could call it The Insomniac's Ritual. ha ha.

[mfwilkie]

What about substituting work for I, pj?

I think it fits and enriches the draft's intent.

when the wee hours
arrive without a wink
work often begins with
I can't sleep, and the thought
that gets in the way...

but when morning light shines
on those lines they burn off
like fog that rose in the night

I really like the piece.


Maggie

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

when the wee hours
arrive without a wink
the thought I can't sleep
at all arises, gets in the way...


but when morning light shines
on those lines, they burn off
like fog that rose in the night.

Is this another way to convey what you want, Amanda?

[purplejacket]

When I can't sleep, there's usually a thought that keeps coming up. The other night, it was about my sister. She recently had a miscarriage, and had some strong emotions following it, and a generally rough time dealing with it, both physically and emotionally. She felt betrayed by God & her body. She hadn't intended to get pregnant, but it happened, and she was happy. The pregnancy had advanced far enough that she'd felt the baby move.

When I can't sleep, there are some things I try before I get up. Those things didn't help the other night. Once I get up, I often try to write about whatever the thought is that is circling my psyche like a vulture. This often starts before I get up, and if I come up with a line or a phrase I don't want to forget by morning, then I come down and start writing. And once I start, I can't stop until I have at least a satisfactory draft.

But that draft often begins with what is most present. And what is most present at 2:06 am is I can't sleep, and this is why... So I have about 100 drafts that start with

it's 4 in the morning
the end of December
I'm writing now
'cause I can't sleep, dammit!

So what we have here is the modified, chopped off beginning of the other poem I wrote that night, plus me just talking about it and how worthless such a beginning on a poem is (unless you're Leonard Cohen, ). The other poem I wrote that night is the one that isn't any fun at all, which is about my sister, not Mary, and which is said through angry, wry tears to people who don't know how to talk to mourners, and which is probably another of my own failures in compassion.

I like work there, M. Thanks.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Thanks for the clarification. I was reading it wrong........Happy New Year.