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Post by dmtimney on Jan 1, 2009 14:20:11 GMT -5
They are disjointed,
no apparent connection
other then weather.
Conversations with less
depth than snow.
Two by two
they step up
the ramp
of the winter ark
lovers of a season
with no logical reason
other than the cold-
must be a New England thing.
I exit the bar alone
stuff my hands and this
evenings numbers in my pocket-
kindling for a warm fire, turn my
Pennsylvania mentality up
against the wind and head for home.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Jan 1, 2009 18:11:25 GMT -5
I love
"...turn my
Pennsylvania mentality up
against the wind and head for home."
"Tis the season.....................
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Post by mfwilkie on Jan 9, 2009 14:23:10 GMT -5
I like this, Donna, and can't see anything to change.
Mags
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Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 10, 2009 3:40:13 GMT -5
I do like the 'Pennsylvania mentality' line, the end line for that matter is a strong image.
The first two lines are redundant and 'they' aren't really indentified until line 10 and 'two by two', 'lovers of a season' seem to indicate skiers, although the image is not clear, because the first and last verse make the reader think we're in a bar or leaving one.
Just thoughts.
Tim
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 10, 2009 8:56:29 GMT -5
Two by two
they step up
the ramp
of the winter ark
lovers of a season
with no logical reason
other than the cold-
must be a New England thing.
They are disjointed,
no apparent connection
other then weather.
Conversations with less
depth than snow.
I exit the bar alone
stuff my hands and this
evenings numbers in my pocket-
kindling for a warm fire, turn my
Pennsylvania mentality up
against the wind and head for home.
I'm having a bit of difficulty connecting the stanzas and I am unsure of what this winter ark idea is. Why must this be a New England thing? We love the cold in the south too?
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Post by dmtimney on Jan 24, 2009 15:38:59 GMT -5
I like the stanza switch, Sherry. The second needs some tweaking now, I'll get to work on that. It was the strange pairing of couples I was observing, not the weather. There lingers a survival mentality, a hibernation period relationship thing that I have observed up here....still observing...will write more on the subject as the thaw approaches...hehehe...thanks for the read. (Should be online again soon after the recent move...at the library now)
~Donna
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Post by Jarlsbane - Michael Ray Cotner on Jan 25, 2009 11:39:55 GMT -5
Hey Donna,
I like this and I like the switch Sherry proposes... This reads well and has some great poetic lines.... i would suggest a couplke minor changes tho...
other then weather. = than not then
Conversations with less
depth than snow. = maybe reword a little adding a better desription...
"Conversations with less depth
than the snow dusting the sidewwalk"
...comma after ark...
lovers of a season
with no logical reason
other than the cold-
= maybe describe cold better---
"other than runny noses and frost-bite toes-"
Also, you use the phrase "other than" or "than" to make your contrasts and I paused wondering about the overuse and repetition but I have no concrete suggestion to fix it right now that doesn't make some major changes in wording.... just my thoughts!
Hugs and kisses lil sis!!!! Miss you!
Jarls
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