Away (E2) new (old) title

[sandpiper]

...

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Hi Piper. I like, I like. Just a few things for your perusal:

I recognize your tune(song, for assonance with mock), dear mockingbird;
with mourning evidenced in each clear note (the mourning resonates with each clear note)
that resonates my soul more than a word (that wafts into my soul more than a word)
the most skilled-penned of(artistic) poets ever wrote.
Watch those that pass me grin unknowingly; (Watch passersby who smile unknowingly;)
they hear a lovely lilting to (the lovely lilting of) your song. (I don't think the repetition of song would hurt the poem)
Where I hear heartbreak, loss and fallen tree,
when broken nest held babes quiet too long. (when broken nest held quiet babes too long).
Yet, you're an echo- mimicker of sound;
you're copying(channeling) some other frail bird's pain?
Perhaps was you who perched on fresh dug ground (Could it be you who perched on fresh dug ground)
that day I poured my faith out with the rain.(? if you use my suggestion in the previous line)

Please take or discard whatever you wish. Just offering some alternatives for you.

[David Nelson Bradsher]

OK, my last post looks like a mish-mash and would be hard to decipher, so I'm just reposting yours with my suggestions integrated (and some more changes from my previous post). Hope it's easier to understand. Thanks.

David

I recognize your song, dear mockingbird;
the mourning resonates with each clear note
that swirls within my soul more than a word
the most artistic poets ever wrote.
Watch passersby who smile unknowingly;
they hear the warbled lilting of your song,
but I hear heartbreak, loss and fallen tree,
when broken nest held quiet babes too long.
Yet, you're an echo-box of mimicked sound;
you're channeling some other frail bird's pain?
Could it be you who perched on fresh-dug ground
that day I poured my faith out with the rain?

[sandpiper]

Love your changes... THANK YOU! I was having such a problem with that poet line and the echo/mimicer line...
I'll go play...
-piper

[David Nelson Bradsher]

It's a privilege, Piper. I'm so glad you like some of my suggestions.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

The idea is very poignant. The last couplet is truly exquisite and made the poem cry.

I like some of David's suggestions for meter and smoothness.

In line 4, if you do incorporate his suggestion, I would use "poet" in the singular.

In line 3 "resonates" is an intransitive verb, so I'd look at that.

Perhaps, "that cleaves my saddened soul more than a word..."

You have a beauty here, piper! Emily is crying as well.

[MichaelFirewalker]

yup, yup, yup...even ol' crabby michael loves this one...the sorrow in it falls all the way down into the womb of the Mother who is Earth...

michael

[mfwilkie]

Piper,

David and I were talking about your draft yesterday.

Reading it again today, I prefer your original to the the first revision.

I think part of the problem is construction.

Some thoughts:

'the' seems to be fit tone in the first line better than 'your'.
And you might call attention to mourning by adding it's with a comma after mpurning. Your first choice, 'evidenced' is the better choice, I think.

I recognize the tune, dear mockingbird;
it's mourning, evidenced in each clear note.

This frees up the third and fourth verse for looking for a rhyme that doesn't seem as forced as 'word'. I'd ditch 'cleaves my saddened soul'; it sounds archaic considering the tone of your draft, and a bit clichéd.

that cleaves my saddened soul more than a word
the most artistic poet ever wrote.

A thought here as well to smooth out these next lines.

Watch those who pass me smile unknowingly—
they hear a lovely lilting to your song
where I hear heartbreak, loss and fallen tree(
your broken nest held babes for much too long.

The next two verses don't really come together as a question.

Yet, you're an echo-box of mimicked sound;
you're copying some other frail bird's pain?

You might re-write it, and the next two verses as:

Are you an echo-box of mimicked sound,
and copying some other frail bird's pain?
And was it you who perched on fresh dug ground
that day I poured my faith out with the rain?

Think about turning this into a sonnet, adding a couplet, piper.

Maggie

[sandpiper]

Thanks, MAggie, it actually was a sonnet to begin with -one where I was told it'd be better off without the couplet. so I added part of the couplet into the title, and went from there.

here's the original original for comparison...


That being said, I'll play some more, and come back with something of a mixture.
-Thanks!
-piper

[mfwilkie]

Interesting, the conflict between the 'faith being poured out with the rain' and the last line of your original couplet, piper.

Which I think, if you clarify the resolution of lost faith with the use of God speed in the first line of the original couplet and fix the construction nits so the flow of Voice is smooth,
you've got yourself a damn fine sonnet.

Maggie

[sandpiper]

ah, Thanks, Maggie, I never went there, and yes that is a bit of a problem. lol.

I changed the couplet to have that make more sense, and changed lines 3 and 4, and a bit here and there, so let me know if it's now better or worse. and to keep or drop the couplet...
I appreciate!
-piper

[Nan]

This sonnet is so incredibly beautiful, especially the last couplet. Those lines offer a sense of movement. I read your other versions, and yep, I like the revision. That first flight is always a difficult one, yet so enduring. Very nicely done.

[mfwilkie]

Piper, I like the couplet.

In the 2v, would the tune be evidenced "in'' or 'with' each clear note, rather then 'on'?

How about a semi after note, and they to start the next line?

Nice revision, piper.

Maggie

[David Nelson Bradsher]

I think this one needs the symbolic fork stuck in it, Piper. It's done.