Picnic Days

[alfredo]

we lie before ..

the glow of
russet apricots
(fresh washed)
in a china bowl
with pewtered
strawberries,
and purpled cherries
and there and here
some unseasonal riesling

..choose the eating
sequence

the breeze
trips across the grass
just as the light picks
a single blade
from the shadowed black
and on another,
insects climb the rise
to offer up a prayer

and butterflies
dust away
the day


unseasonal Riesling = late harvest

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

I like your choice of images here, Alfredo. Imaginative and filled with grace. Nice closing as well...........

[alfredo]

Jonathan. Thanks you so much for the comments. I am fond of this one… more so than Cherry… but it’s perhaps missing the immediacy/reality of dog, poet and his missus’. And so, less impactful? Perhaps I should have called it Picnic Daze given you know… the Riesling!

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Enjoyed this one, Al. I'm not a 100% sold on 'pewtered', but that's most likely just me. Really like the closing. Ron

[Timothy Juhl]

Alfredo,

I like the simplicity here and love the closing lines, although I might drop the definite article from 'butterflies'. I would also change to the active 'choose' rather than the gerund, especially since it's butting heads with 'eating'. I agree with Ron, 'pewtered strawberries' are something I probably wouldn't eat. And look at the line:

the breeze
murmurs the grass

Because murmur is something done, rather than something done to something else, and the idea of a breeze murmuring is not unheard of, the line's reading stumbles for me every time, maybe punctuation is needed or 'murmur' needs another look in the thesaurus.

Tim

[alfredo]

Tim thanks so much … have incorporated most if not all of your suggestions
(I’d missed Ron’s suggestion that “pewtered” be set aside).

Pewtered (artist over-licensing here) is surface rather than taste /type. I will see what I can come up with. Again thanks.

[Timothy Juhl]

As the author, you're granted licensing! And the poem reads much stronger now... A stronger word than 'disturbs' might be 'tousles', as an adult might do to a child's hair.

Glad to have been of help.

Tim

[alfredo]

Like your opinion (others welcome) on :-

To choose the eating
sequence we lie before ..

the glow of
russet apricots
(fresh washed)
in a china bowl..etc