Stains

[alfredo]

ideas oscillate
until one takes
an uncommon hue

if it gathers in
another and perhaps,
another

rearrange
accept, reject,
modulate, reflect

the end, the beginning
title and tone

for the melody
to linger,
bring pen
to paper

indelibly,
it sings.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Oh I like that very much. Moves so nicely down the page, has a great flow and feel.

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey Alfredo,

I'm starting to sense your voice and I agree with Jo Lynn on the terrific flow through the page this poem has, the reader fairly tumbles down to the end. The only stumbling stop for me is the word 'synergizes', it's tough on the tongue and momentarily interrupts the flow. And just a personal bent, I'm not a fan of the ellipses as a poetic tool.

Tim

[Sherry Thrasher]

Would you consider:

it indelibly
sings.

Or:

indelibly,
it sings.

[Sherry Thrasher]

I'm thinking the latter.

[alfredo]

I agree with you both Sherry and Tim . I believe both - excellent suggestions - so much so I have rung those particular changes ….heartfelt thanks. see "gathers" for "synergise".

[mfwilkie]

I like the poem,'fredo,
but I'm not wild about the title.
I think it gives too much away.

Maggie

[alfredo]

M F , right again!
taken some of it back and I like it..so much more.
(was going to say "can't take anymore", off the title that is, but it's still possiblel STAIN?
from which I believe I will refrain).

thanks so much to you and ALL, for taking time..
maybe time to rest the pen on this one?

[mfwilkie]

I like that, 'fredo!

Mags

[LynnDoiron]

Enjoyed this fredo. The "If" opener and the list of factors is answered by the "Indelibly / it sings" -- with just the right amount of detail.

A couple questions, and/or thoughts that, as I reader, I have. I wondered about "colours" in L1 . . . I really like the oscillation of ideas and how they figure into everything that follows. But "colours" [for me] seems almost tagged on to be a reason to use "hue" in a later line. I love the idea of ideas having hues! But not at all sure colour is necessary in your opening line. I tossed some s endings in below, not sure whether they might serve the poem, or not. And, though I have no suggestion, would like to see the first use of "it" L1S2 replaced with whatever it is. All of these little nits, yet I did, and do, enjoy the poem. ~ lynn


ideas and colours oscillate
until one takes
an uncommon hue

if it gathers in
another and perhaps,
another

rearrange(s)
accept(s), reject(s),
modulate(s), reflect(s)

the end, the beginning
title and tone

for the melody
to linger,
bring(s) pen
to paper

indelibly,
it sings.

[alfredo]

Lynnn, completely agree...
"colours" adds nothing
and in fact takes some of the balance and flow, away