One beat off sync - Revision 3

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

This is a form called a Wrapped Refrain. The stanza consist of 6 lines with an 8,8,8,8,12,12 count, rhyme scheme of aa,bb,cc. The first four syllables must open and close the stanza, thus the wrap.


Revision 3

If not for love I might have found
a life of happiness somehow,
but misdirection’s veil enhanced
the misconception of romance.
I made a choice, it lacked in common sense and luck.
This man, he might have been a friend if not for love.

The world can change when one eye blinks.
One fit of rage destroyed our sync.
The marriage turned to fuck-off lies
as I became his god-damn wife
who couldn’t keep our lives intact. I rearranged
the pieces laid to understand the world can change.



Revision 2

If not for love I might have found
a life of happiness somehow,
but misdirection’s veil enhanced
the misconception of romance.
I made a choice, it lacked in common sense and luck.
This man, he could have been a friend if not for love.

The world can change when one eye blinks,
one move off beat destroys the sync.
My marriage turned to fuck-off lies
when I became his “god-damn wife”.
I’ve suffered through the choices made and rearranged
the pieces laid to understand the world can change.


Original

If not for love I might have found
a slice of bliss, a peaceful ground,
but misdirection veiled the chance
to know that one bestowed romance.
I made a choice without divine approval of
this man He sent to be a friend if not for love.

The world can change in one swift blink,
one move off beat destroys the sync.
That's how I lost my focused life,
became a cursed and battered wife.
I had to live with choices made and rearrange
the pieces laid to understand the world can change.

[mfwilkie]

I like where you're going with this. The change of V is definitely there, JL.
Nice draft, and I really like the form you put this in.

We should all try one.

Mulling it over.

Mags

[Timothy Juhl]

Arrrrgggghhhhh, Maggie, I thought the same thing when I read this form. It definitely peaks my interest in word manipulation, but then there's that rhyming thing and you heard all about my floundering with the villanelle.

Jo Lynn, I do like this and I like the form particularly. When I read it out loud, I was distracted by the sing-song quality of the couplets. Maybe it's just the way I'm reading it?

Tim

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

No, won't be the way you are reading it, rhyming couplets can do that to a piece, I wrote this for a contest on another site, they aren't very open minded over there but I think I'm going to go in and see if I replace some words with near rhymes and slant rhymes if that will take away from the sing/song of it.

[mfwilkie]

A girl after my own heart!!!!!!!! ;D

I like the idea of slant or near rhymes.

I'll try one if you'll try one, Tim.


Mags

[LynnDoiron]

JoLynn -- With this poem, the message comes across in such a strong and genuine way that the use of sort of dated language every now and again fades into the background. I think if some of the more worn words were replaced with now-speak the work would/could be even more powerful . . . But, it moved me, just as it is, old words and all.

lynn

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Oh lynn, I'm trying to work on that language thing. I think I need someone with a whip or a shock collar or something, LOL

I've revised, guys, don't know if I made it better or worse. UGHHHHH

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey JL, it's much better without the exact rhymes, not sure about the word 'devoid'...sounds so clinical. I'd watch the use of 'change' in the 2nd verse...you've used it twice and there's not a lot of breathing room between them.

I'm still in awe of the form...even more so with the attention to new rhyme. I have one other suggestion, are you sure you want to use the word combo 'beat off' in the title? It's bothered me since you first posted.

Grinning rather embarrassedly...Tim

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

And I thought I had a dirty mind. LOL I'd have never seen that, my iambic metered mind was more thinking along the line of one beat of off in rhythm. shit, now I'll have to think of something else. I'll check on those changes, I kind of like devoid but will give that some attention as well.

Somehow I think there's no blush on your cheeks,

p.s. I have to use change twice it's part of the wrap. HAHAHAHA

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Okay, see what you think of that, got rid of the devoid. Maggie, I replaced bliss but not sure that is any better.

[Timothy Juhl]

Oh crap, I completely forgot about the wrap! My bad. And I call myself a poet?

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Check this one out, Mag. Still not sure it's quite there.

[LynnDoiron]

JL -- I like revision 2's end line "the pieces laid to understand the world can change." better than the current one. But the rest of your revisions are working really well, I think. The absence of bliss and divining, especially -- and what an improvement "misconception of romance" is over "one bestowed romance" -- for my two cents, those changes make great leaps from the last century into the now.

Nicely done, Jl. Brava!

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

JL, I think the whip and shock collar idea is a good one. It goes well with the title.
R