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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 0:28:22 GMT -5
Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 12, 2009 0:28:22 GMT -5
“Call me General,” he whispers
drawing his breath--
“lower, lower, yes, lower,
yes, more" he says.
Words--
tendered.
His pelvis lies
rigid
formed Navy steel.
Pockets of change,
mere quarters, nickels and dimes;
pay for moments of my life,
stitches of time.
Been here before and swear
never, never again
as I wrap myself tightly
in these blankets
of bullshit.
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 0:33:36 GMT -5
Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 12, 2009 0:33:36 GMT -5
The humor comes out more in this version, Sherry...a wry sense and I love the third verse! What would the Church of Whitman say now? I'll post mine tomorrow.
Tim
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 0:41:22 GMT -5
Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 12, 2009 0:41:22 GMT -5
Hey, you! Working on my Spanish homework and thought I'd post this here. I think our buddy Walt would get a kick out of it.
Join Facebook!
I'm still working on the line breaks and punctuation, et al. Dorianne sent out a cool list of words as a possible prompt for next week. We are her "apostles of poetry." Can't wait for you to meet her at the reading on the 6th. I need new stuff by then.
Can you meet at Caribou later this week? I know I'm cutting into your "undecorating" time. I think the coffee has worn off and I will attempt sleep.
'night,
Sherry
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 12:43:02 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 12, 2009 12:43:02 GMT -5
Some thoughts, Sher-bear:
His pelvis is rigid,
cast in Navy steel,
yet he whispers,
Call me General.
Yes, lower, he says.
Yes, yes, more!
I'd turn it here, Sherry.
Pockets of change pay
for moments of my life;
stretches of time that
repeat themselves
as I wrap myself in
in another blanket
of bullshit, promising
tomorrow will be different.
I am craving hot chocolate, you guys!!!!!
Magpie
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 13:24:09 GMT -5
Post by Timothy Juhl on Jan 12, 2009 13:24:09 GMT -5
Hey Sherry,
I agree with Mags suggested change for the Navy steel as well as the turn. I'm not too fond of the pleading (yes yes more more, lower, lower), but that's just me.
Maggie, you could have joined us yesterday at Cup Of Joe!
Tim
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 15:04:15 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 12, 2009 15:04:15 GMT -5
We will definately do another Cup of Joe's when I get back there, Tim.
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 15:33:43 GMT -5
Post by Sherry Thrasher on Jan 12, 2009 15:33:43 GMT -5
I'm not sure about that ending Mags. I'll be back as I'm at work.
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2 a.m.
Jan 12, 2009 15:41:39 GMT -5
Post by mfwilkie on Jan 12, 2009 15:41:39 GMT -5
Just a suggestion from what I'm hearing in the V, Sher.
How about:
(and) the false promise
tomorrow will be different.
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2 a.m.
Jan 18, 2009 19:41:31 GMT -5
Post by Ron Wallace (Scotshawk) on Jan 18, 2009 19:41:31 GMT -5
Sherry, I like the tone and the voice of the piece except for "his pelvis lies rigid". Don't know why but the verb "lies" just bugs me there. I kind of like Maggie's idea around those lines, but regardless, nice work. Ron
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