Steeled Again

[Timothy Juhl]

At once whispered
your words, like
dropped stitches
drift at my feet;
this blanket of talk

of bullshit
words spent
on generalities
and if I had a quarter
for every fight

for every fuck
we wasted;
a couple of bucks
for those tender
pelvic thrusts
from last night

if I had all that
change
in my pocket now
I'd still take you
to dinner.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like this one, very much, leaves me with a smile, love your close. Not fond of the opening though, don't care for that At once, feels like an awkward start to me anyway but I'm just one opinion.

[Timothy Juhl]

You're right, JL...it's a lame opening....

[Sherry Thrasher]

Whispered words,
drop like stitches
drift to my feet;
this blanket of talk

of bullshit
words spent
on generalities
and if I had a quarter
for every fight

for every wasted fuck;
a couple of bucks
for those tender
pelvic thrusts
from last night

if I had all that
change
in my pocket
I'd still take you
to dinner.

[mfwilkie]

Am liking this, Tim. One thought in your opening:

At once whispered
your words, like
dropped stitches
drift at near/to(?) my feet;
this blanket of talk

Maggie

[Timothy Juhl]

You and Sherry both...it gives me pause. I smell a rewrite coming on.

[LynnDoiron]

Tim --

A treat! Thoughts follow (feel free to ignore them at will!)

At Once whispered,
your words, those like
dropped [stitches] coppers,
collect at my feet;
weight this blanket of talk

of bullshit
words spent
on generalities
and if I had a quarter
for every fight

for every fuck
we wasted;
a couple of bucks
for those tender
pelvic thrusts
from last night

if I had all that
change
in my pocket now
I'd still take you
to dinner.

As you can see by my notes, it's just that opener that's not quite working for me. Couple of reasons why. One, a dropped stitch leaves a hole rather than drifting as a separate entity -- and though I tried to make it work as an image, couldn't. And, two -- I think if you follow the conceit of coinage, the poem becomes more unified.

So much from the dame who don't know much!

Great write.

lynn

[brianedwards]

Ditto all the praise and also the nudges on the opening. I like what Sherry did.
Not usually a fan of one word lines, but that change in the last stanza is very effective.

Cheers.

B.

[Timothy Juhl]

Lynn, I may have to marry you. I love the addition of 'coppers' and will post a new version tomorrow. I obsess over imagery and reinforced ideas and 'coppers' (or something like it) does tie the poem together. The poem is growing on me more and more, it's always a crapshoot when you're writing something from a workshop exercise in 20 minutes and you have 8 words to work with ('stitch' was one of them). Time to kill my darlings.

Tim

[Sherry Thrasher]

I certainly think it appropriate to change the poem once it is written using all the words. We are after all trying to write good poetry. I like the image of coppers too. I'm in class almost all day tomorrow and Thursday and I will by lying low. I look forward to your revisions.

If you have the time could you do a little research on prayer as a form of poetry?

BTW, you can't marry Lynn because she is already promised to me.

Hope JD did well with the MRI.

Sher

[LynnDoiron]

Well. One of you'd best go on and marry me. I'm withering on the vine here

I like the pennies and bank choices you've made in your revision. What say you to Beggars for the title, dropping The?

[Sherry Thrasher]

I thought the same thing about the the.

[Timothy Juhl]

I went back and forth with 'The'...it will go. I sent an earlier version to one of my former students in FL. She had some of the same opinions, and I've learned enough to trust when you hear the same suggestions repeated.

I'm glad you liked 'bank' and 'pennies'...sorry, Lynn, I just couldn't see my way into 'coppers' without dressing in 19th century costume. Will you still marry me?

Tim

[LynnDoiron]

Hey. Without coppers, the wedding is off. Sorry. Write another poem with coppers, and maybe [read maybe as italicized boldface font] I'll reconsider . . .