From this icy window (another slight revision)

[Tina (Firefly)]

the white oak is weighted in January fog,
its leaves dead and piled in watery mounds
against the rusted fence. A feral cat
slinks through dormant English ivy, once so elegant-
now mottled and stiff with winter's edge.
I stare, as I have for three days now, at a
world in depression. It hangs and clings like
the twisted vines that strangle the azaleas.

[Timothy Juhl]

Hi Tina,

A nice bit of descriptive work...the final line seems to be just a tag. 'world in depression' sounds a bit cliched and given the strong descriptions elsewhere, it seems weak in comparison.

Tim

[mfwilkie]

I think it's excellent, Tim, and I disagree re: a world in depression.
I think it works here.

Some edits to tighten, Tina:

the white oak is weighted in January fog;
its leaves dead, piled in watery mounds
against a rusted fence. A feral cat slinks
through dormant English ivy, once elegant
green, now a green gone brown, stiff with
winter's edge. I stare, as I have for three
days at a world in depression, clinging
to twisted vines of strangled azaleas.

I don't think you need the last line, Tina.

Nice writing.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Very nice, Tina.

I'd use line breaks if it were mine - not fond of prose poetry-
format is more important than one may realize -
can make all the difference - the pauses - the lull
and crescendo - accentuating a range of emotions.

Good stuff!

Marion

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Hey, T. I read this this morning and I like what you've done with it. Some of the suggestions I had in mind, you took care of. It reads very well, to the point without being overly ornate, and enjoyed it.
Perhaps a comma between cold and rusted.

Hope all is well....J

[LynnDoiron]

TeenaTeenBoBeena! What a strong write! I think you create mood in an extraordinary way with this one. What would you think about just going with 'a feral cat' and omitting 'ragged'? I mention because I think the image is more with just feral cat, for me anyway. The other thing to maybe check is the comma after ivy. With the comma there, the phrase that follow applies to the cat rather than the ivy, and I think your intent is the ivy. A dash would work, or no punctuation at all at that spot. That's about it. Wonderful write after too long with reading your work.

the white oak is weighted in January fog,
its leaves dead and piled in watery mounds
against the cold, rusted fence. A ragged feral cat
slinks through dormant English ivy, once so elegant
now mottled and stiff with winter's edge.
I stare, as I have for three days now, at a
world in depression. It hangs and clings like
the twisted vines that strangle the azaleas.

[mfwilkie]

Tina,

If you don't mind a little construction discussion, am I the only one who thinks the 'and' between 'dead' and 'piled' is excess?

Another thougtht: since the winter month is established, is cold necessary before fence?

I can't believe I had azaleas vining!!!

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Hi tina, I like the poem. Some suggestions for trimming: M

the white oak is weighted in January fog,
its leaves dead, comma and piled
in watery moundsagainst the cold, rusted fence(.)

A a ragged feral cat slinks
through dormant English ivy(,)
once so elegant - now mottled,
and stiff with winter's edge.

I stare(,) as I have for three days now -
at a world in depression.

It hangs -
and clings like
the twisted vines
choking geraniums.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Actually Mag, I think it should read its dead leaves piled.

I think ragged should go also, Tina and cold could or couldn't stay, writer discretion.

[LynnDoiron]

For the sake of discussion, I think the "and" between dead and piled offers mood to the voice, the drag of accumulation. When I read without the contraction, it's as if the narrator has turned, or is the motion of turning away from the observed, not taking it in as he/she stands there, and as stood there. To remove the "and" makes the line brisker, faster paced.

I'm with JL on "cold" -- could stay or go. If cold goes, the poem still holds on to the feel of it via other imagery and phrasing.

I agree with Marion that format is important, and I think your line lengths on this free verse work very well, T. Also, I miss the cardinal! Both the one on the branch near your driveway, and the one in a former end line to the poem. Alas!

[Tina (Firefly)]

wow. Thanks, y'all, for all the really thoughtful comments. I Will study on these and try to make a bit of new revision. Because my particular 'voice' southern, and therefore a little more verbose than some, I rarely like cutting a poem to the bare bones. I shall, however, see what can be pared. Thanks again.. Tina

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

"world in depression" maybe it could ask Gore for a bailout...ya think?
(everyone else made such relavent remarks, I thought a stupid one would round out the experience)

[mfwilkie]

Formimg the 'p' in piled slows it down for me, chicky.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

I suggest you get fittin ti fix the fittin poem!

[LynnDoiron]

Tina, is the ivy what was once elegant? or the cat? If the ivy is the once elegant, the comma following it needs to go, I think. Me dinking about again, but I missed "cold" and the "cardinal" and wanted to show the comma gone after "ivy" -- so . . .

the white oak is weighted in January fog,
its leaves dead and piled in watery mounds
against the cold rusted fence. A feral cat
slinks through dormant English ivy once so elegant,
now mottled and stiff with winter's edge.
I stare, as I have for three days now, at a
world in depression. It hangs and clings like
the twisted vines that strangle the azaleas.

Then, a bright cardinal sings.