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[Sherry Thrasher]

I try daddy
four pages of loose leaf paper
twelve multiplication tables
two thick columns wide

I sit outside the screened porch
concrete steps cool my thighs

two times two is four
twelve times twelve
one hundred forty four

For every one you miss
you get two licks

I sit some more
push the world away
concentrate
four times twelve
forty eight

above me
he listens for each answer

seven times eight

I am nine
and today
I miss eleven.


I don't hate you daddy

I try and I try
four pages of loose leaf paper
twelve multiplication tables
two thick columns wide
I sit outside the screened porch
concrete steps cool my thighs
two times two is four
twelve times twelve
one hundred forty four

For every one you miss
you get two licks

I sit and I sit some more
I push the world away
I concentrate
four times twelve
forty eight
nine times four
thirty six
Above me
he listens for each answer

seven times eight

but I am only nine
and today
I miss eleven.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

that is heart wrenching and I couldn't critique it properly right now if I wanted to. Makes the reader want to turn that switch on that man who'd treat that child in such a manner. You did a good job with this voice, very good job.

[LynnDoiron]

first draft is quite wonderful; will have to read and think on this one, but wanted you to know my first read thoughts.

[alfredo]

This needs to appear in every book on parenting. My son’s grandmother (the matriarch) who has had a hard life but achieved much-good for her. But she loves putting my sons under pressure about homework/career, etc. I say to her “what’s important is that they are happy and feel loved, all else falls secondary. That’s my first reaction to your nice work here.

PS where I’m working there simply no room to swoon.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Written in the voice of a little one who is trying so hard......Number repetition works extremely well.........Try, try, try at 9 and miss 11......finale hits the reader in the guts...............

Title combines for a deadly effective one-two punch.
Good work, Sherry.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Classroom prompt to write about a childhood experience. No wonder I am innumerate. Thanks. My poetry semester is quite interesting and my advanced poetry workshop is based on revision. I'll be interested in what my instructor says about this one. Thanks.

[purplejacket]

You might try leaving some of the answers out. - I thought that at first, but then I noticed what you did with seven times eight, and the impact of it. Not sure now.

Also might try getting into the world a little before you push it out. Maybe imagine some friends in a sunny swim hole or something, waiting for you to join them.

I like how there are so many things here that come in duplicate - two thick columns, two licks, I sit and I sit. Not sure if that will have the effect on everyone that it had on me.

You could probably leave out the "only" before nine.
Maybe you could re-title it Two Times Eleven.

Even abused children in movies aren't treated this way. Reality is too much for some things. Have you seen An American Crime?

[Tina (Firefly)]

When I read this it kicked hard, Sherry. I suppose it can be tightened a little, but when the first gut impact hits most people in the same way, then you know it's working. I was surprised at PJ's comment about "even abused children in the movies aren't treated this way." PJ must be fairly young. Allthough this kind of emotional (and physical) abuse is always horrifying, it was fairly standard to humiliate and spank children as a way of both discipline and as a learning tool in the era prior to the late sixties. I, and many of my friends were routinely administered similar disciplinary behaviour by teachers as well as parents when we were children..not always this harsh, but with this same attitude. It leaves terrible emotional scars.

[Sherry Thrasher]

I like the title idea, PJ. Over on Poetry Circle comments were made about the title. I hate digging up old stuff as it always makes me cry. I asked my father before he died if he had any regrets and he said only about the hell he put his kids through. Unfortunately, he couldn't break the cycle. I did. I can hardly spank my pups when they're bad. I probably need therapy.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Don't we all? Life was different when we grew up. My mom wore a belt around her neck and never had a problem using it. My dad use to knock our heads together and discipline in school was routine. We had a 5th grade teacher who'd use a razor strap on kids. Was a different world, where abuse was common and no one questioned it.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Damn, Jo Lynn. I can recall spanking my son twice and it was a couple of taps when he was really naughty. Still feel bad about that. Discipline is important. Kids should know that no means no but there is so much garbage in this world to deal with. I could write a dissertation on trash but I won't bore you with that. Hubby had jury duty yesterday and once the verdict was settled a local drug dealer was sentenced to life in prison for his third strike. Three felonies, all guilty verdicts. Supposedly he was tried for murder not too long ago and the witness disappeared. The jury was not told the circumstances until afterward. How nice, right? Hopefully, no one will show up unannounced. Yes, a lot of garbage in this world. I think I'll go get a cup of coffee... with Bailey's.

[purplejacket]

Jeez.

I had my share of spankings, but nothing like that. In third & fourth grade, the school I was attending paddled students. When I complied with a dare to pants another girl, they wanted to paddle me, but my mom wouldn't let them.

It seems like such a Neanderthal way to deal with a human being, especially one obviously smaller and weaker. But yeah, I've given my little girl a whack or two in her life. And she doesn't hate me. I wonder if she even remembers.

I know she remembers hitting me, and I know she still feels a little bad about it, though it was over a year ago. She was dressing up as Cinderella for Hallowe'en, and she hit me with her magic wand. I was livid, but I didn't want to let myself go because I knew hitting back was not the way I wanted to deal with it. So I closed her bedroom door and I went downstairs to talk with my husband.
Daddy marched upstairs, took the magic wand from her, broke it in half, threw it in the garbage, and yelled at her, "You don't hit Mommy![/i]"
She was hysterical by this point and was crying and saying, "I want my wand."
"You don't hit Mommy! Nobody hits Mommy![/i]"
"No daddy no, don't break my wand."
"You don't hit Mommy![/i]"
"I want my wand."
"We don't hit Mommy![/i]"

She said to me a few days ago, "Mom, do you remember when I went as Cinderella for Hallowe'en?"
"Maybe I do. I think I do, why?"
"Well, I'm sorry I hit you with my wand."
"You are forgiven. You were forgiven that same day."
This was not the first time she apologized for it.

[Sherry Thrasher]

Doriannes edits. She thinks that the work "licks" is a bit obscure. I have not arrived at an alternative yet. She did read it in class which is very cool.

[LeoVictorBriones (poetremains)]

Talk about writing what you know about, this is a courageous poem and in such a powerful poem. The language is simple and I would change a word. However, I would use "quotes" before and after. Thanks for this, very good!

[David Nelson Bradsher]

Great stuff, Sherry.

[Timothy Juhl]

It's been honed down to its most vital moments now! I love it.

[Tina (Firefly)]

Sherry, it's definetly pared to the minimum now and still has major impact, though I admit I miss some of the orginal voice of the child's fear. I wonder if your opening line might be a little confusing without any punctuation.. what about italicizing the word try..

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I miss that child like tone too, I think it has lost a bit with this honing. Child's voice would be more to shut the world out than to push it away.

[Sherry Thrasher]

I posted the original. What do you think? Thanks.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I like a combination of it, I like her line breaks but I like some of your child-like language like when you focus on the I

I try daddy
four pages of loose leaf paper
twelve multiplication tables
two thick columns wide

I sit outside the screened porch
concrete steps cool my thighs

two times two is four
twelve times twelve
one hundred forty four

For every one you miss
you get two licks

I sit and sit some more
I push the world away
I concentrate
four times twelve
forty eight

above me
he listens for each answer

seven times eight

but I am only nine
and today
I miss eleven

[mfwilkie]

Sher,

Consider creating more tension having the father's words
closer to the opening.

I moved things around a bit and not sure you need thick as a modifier.

Magpie


Outside the screened-in porch,
concrete steps cool my thighs.

For every one you miss
you get two licks.

Four pages of loose leaf paper
twelve multiplication tables
two columns wide

I'm trying, Daddy.

He stands above me
and listens to my answers.

two times two is four
twelve times twelve
one hundred forty four

I push the world away
and concentrate—
four times twelve
forty eight

Seven times eight...

I am nine
and today
I miss eleven.

[Ron Wallace (Scotshawk)]

Very solid, Sherry, power and tone comes through in the voice. I do really like Maggie's ideas for moving the father's voice, and {I'm trying, Daddy}. Good work, birthday girl.

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey Sherry,

Maggie's suggestion of moving the father's comment even closer to the opening of the poem is what I thought should happen as well. It becomes a fearsome opening line that follows an intriguing title, enough to make the reader want to follow it to its end and do the math.

Tim

[Sherry Thrasher]

Hello, everyone. I'm submitting this for workshop on Thursday. I do like the changes Maggie. ll let you know.

Thanks,
Sherry