Honeymoon: May 3, 1960

[Timothy Juhl]

On the fourth day,
she bought a postcard
from the Badlands Outpost
& Gift Emporium,
a shimmery image
of Rushmore.

The faces are really pretty,
she wrote in happy script,
and gee how the cactus
bloom and how she fed
peppermints to a donkey
just standing on the road
near Buffalo Gap.

Stopping everywhere poss!
she ends.

There is
no us or we
only the sign-off;
a last name still
new to her,
the letters
unrehearsed.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

This is good, it's tight, I like it. Not sure that would be my pick of honeymoons but it works. On a side note though, all future wives practice and practice writing the name of their Beloved, well before the mention of shall we wed....

[mfwilkie]

Cacti if the plural, Tim.

I'd drop the &'s; it's gimicky and I know you're going to say you've seen it everywhere, but...
not in the best books.

On the fourth day,
she bought a postcard
from the Badlands Outpost
& Gift Emporium,—
a glossed-over image
of Rushmore.

Maggie

[Marion Poirier]

Timothy,
This one leaves something to the imagination.
That's good.

I don't think you two (in the poem) have a sterling
start. Leave it up to the reader - I like it.

I agree with Mags about & - and eecummings,
a great poet, was too far out for my conventional,
old school taste. I like proper English in its
pure form - without being ostentatious.

I assume this is a draft; it has great poetic
potential, and your talent is abundantly clear
to this reader/poet.

You are a great asset to this site.

Regards,
Marion

[Timothy Juhl]

Cacti is the plural, Maggie, but a simple farm girl who refers to the faces on Mt Rushmore as 'really pretty' probably isn't going to use that. In fact, she didn't. I'll consider the ampersand, however when indicating the proper name of something like 'Badlands Outpost & Gift Emporium', I think it would diminish to use 'and'.

Marion, thanks for your input as well. We'll clearly sit on opposite sides of the swear words argument. I don't believe in using them gratuitously, but they are part of our language and do convey meaning. I referenced e.e. cummings many times when I was teaching poetry to kids in juvenile detention.

It's still not as cohesive as I'd like it, I'm missing something before the last verse.

Tim

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

something like

He pauses
as he drops
it in the box
there is
no us or we
only the sign-off;
a last name still
new to her,
the letters
unrehearsed.

[Marion Poirier]

Tim, i think that JL is closer to the truth.
Ah, yes, teachers are the salt of the earth,
but they are not ALL poets.
Try writing a poem in less than ten syllables,
it's a great exercise. Prose and poetry are like
night and day. It takes preparation
to know the difference.

Regards,
Marion

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

All about the imagery, so many different impressions of poetry though, Marion.

winter wheat
sweeps in
spring

do they call that haiku? Or is it just images on a page?

[Marion Poirier]

Tim, I think you are referring to your other post -
since no swear words here.
Let me just mention this - that readers of poetry
demand either something to ponder or else a
poem of exceptional spiritual or descriptive beauty.
If you want to debate, email me.

I wish you well,
Marion

[mfwilkie]

There are no simple farm girls, Tim,
and I think they most definately would
know that.

And hey, were is this simple farm girl?
This could be a Valley Girl with that
'Stopping everywhere poss.


Maggie (smiling)

[mfwilkie]

I'm not sure you need anything else, Tim.

I like the V in the last stanza.

Is it possible the first two are different?

Mags

[LynnDoiron]

Excellent, Tim! Would hate to see a single thing change in this. There's all that hope of a new journey just underway captured, and the reflective look back by the holder of that postcard forty eight years later. From such a simple poem, I can imagine going through a box of old cards and letters, sifting through what's been left behind. lynn

[mfwilkie]

Lynn just read this to me, Tim, and I couldn't hear any difference in V as she was reading.

And we both agree the piece doesn't need anything more, amigo.

Keep cactus, it sounded right when chicky read it.

Maggie

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey Maggie & Lynn,

You realize that I can only marry one of you, right? I appreciate all the criticisms and like any author, I discard 2/3's of critique as just that, and the other 1/3, I entertain.

The inspiration here was a postcard my mother sent her parents while on her honeymoon. I found it years ago and thought it was queer and put it in a frame. While scrabbling for something to write, I saw that postcard on one of my bookshelves. The italicized words are right from my mother, but I thought it interesting she never said 'us' or 'we' and she has always had this rather comic handwriting, large and flowing, but the signoff, her new last name, was boxy and timid. Considering their divorce 16 years later, I found it all crazy with poetic potency.

I still think I have some tweaks to make on it, I'm waiting on another critique from FL and I still haven't heard from Sherry on this one.

Tim

[Sherry Thrasher]

My teacher, Dorianne Laux, certainly is a poet and a teacher and she uses the "F" word when and if it is appropriate to the work. Poetry is an art and poets are artists. I wonder if anyone ever told Matisse to tone it down or Monet that they were tired of looking at flowers? I am a chef and I cook using chocolate and vanilla and I am thankful that we all have different tastes and expectations.

Sherry

[Sherry Thrasher]

Tim, I agree that this work reads as complete. I'm a bit unsure of the italics on us or we as it seems to be the narrators voice and not moms. Just food for thought. I need to go to work but will return.

Sherry

[brianedwards]

I'm late to this Tim, but just wanted you to know I enjoyed it. I'm not sure I believe the unrehearsed bit as I've known several brides-to-be who've obsessed over their new signature.
Still, not a big bump. Thanks for a good read.

B.

[alfredo]

Just a few words that race the imagination and images that takes me inside her; her naivety; her great expectation that shines through (but don’t ask to point exactly where or how these words do that but they do). Like blueberry pie it jus’ tastes good to me.

BTW 1960 in the title is superfluous .. yesteryears shine through and through.