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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 7, 2009 15:56:29 GMT -5
Pouring…
endless pouring;
core is nearly dry.
Liquid fingers
lightly touch the
ones who feel, absorb.
Thirsty,
sickly, sallow,
parched within the pain,
they imbibe me,
drink and drain me
‘til there is no more.
Empty,
prayerful, fleeing,
searching for the springs
trickling faintly,
though familiar:
life-sustaining streams.
Laughter,
little faces,
sparkles in a smile;
soulful singing,
artful pages,
sunset through the trees…
Stillness,
sanctuary,
waters to the worn
for the loving,
for the giving:
life is sacrifice.
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 7, 2009 16:00:01 GMT -5
Hello, fellow poets! It has been a long time. Things have been rough down here, and I have not written in months. I have missed it immensely, but came up with this last night. It deals with renewal needed after trying to care for dementia patients and their caregivers. Good day to all of you!
Danny Potts
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 7, 2009 17:24:45 GMT -5
Hey Danny...........wow it's great to see you after such a long time. First time I can recall you writing in meter......maybe I'm wrong.
Your message comes through loud and clear.........I like the imagery, describing you as almost an elixir.
Please be sure to replenish yourself as frequently as possible, for you are far too valuable to be sacrificed.....even for such a worthy cause.
Wishing you and yours a belated happy new year, Danny. Peace and blessings surely shall flow your way. Jon
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 8, 2009 21:28:05 GMT -5
Thank you, Jon. Welcome words, and ones which should be heeded. Thanks for the blessings, and I send them your way as well.
Danny
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Post by Marion Poirier on Feb 9, 2009 0:25:05 GMT -5
Hi Dan,
first of all, permit me to say, I don't claim to be an expert -
but my perspective is generally guided by common sense.
This is what I gleaned from the poem:
the narrator Is burnt- out by service to others -
but it is still a very upbeat poem; however there
is a time when the well runs dry.
Sometimes one must go into seclusion to recharge
the batteries.
I am not adverse to the ing gerunds - however, I think
you may cut down of them for a balance. There is not
much I would change as this is an emotion driven poem
that comes from the heart of a very fine person and poet
who contributes to the universe.
I wish you well,
Marion
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 17, 2009 17:47:40 GMT -5
Dear Marion,
You right on all counts. I appreciate your words and suggestions, and will rething the "-ings". Thanks!
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 18, 2009 10:43:11 GMT -5
Danny,
This is an excellent draft. I would personalize it a bit more, though. And watch your use of gerunds in the middle stanzas.
Some thoughts to tighten the first:
Pouring…
endless pouring;
a core is draining near dry.
Liquid fingers
lightly touching
touch lightly
those who feel,
absorb what I have
to offer.
This last stanza is perfect.
Stillness,
sanctuary,
waters to the worn
for the loving,
for the giving:
life is sacrifice.
Maggie
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Post by lizbethbrown on Feb 21, 2009 0:55:36 GMT -5
rythmic poems are usually difficult for me. i get too lost in the rythym and forget to hear the words. it takes away from my ability to contemplate and participate. BUT, in this poem, it actually works because the whole idea of the poem is that life is pushing you through and you do not have time to take for yourself. writing the poem this way lets me feel what you are feeling, being rushed foward and depleted and somewhat blinded.
during the line sunset through the trees, i felt a physical push in my gut. i woke up, read stillness, and was back out of the rythym, in life, in the poem, for a re-read. much more beautiful for me on the second time around, conscious of where we are going.
nice to meet you and thank you for sharing.
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 21, 2009 11:27:21 GMT -5
Thanks Maggie and Lizbeth. I will work on it. DP
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 22, 2009 0:09:12 GMT -5
Took care of some of the gerunds.
DP
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 23, 2009 3:16:32 GMT -5
I like the revision on a fist read, Danny.
Back later.
Maggie
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 24, 2009 13:32:05 GMT -5
Thanks Maggie.
DP
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 25, 2009 21:59:58 GMT -5
Pouring…
endless pouring;
core is nearly dry.
Liquid fingers
lightly touch the
ones who feel, absorb.
Liquid fingers
lightly touch the
Danny,
Notice the stresses in bold: they are all on the first syllable..
I'd like to suggest again switching touch and lightly to break up that run on sound.
And pointed out a few spots, with suggestions in bold, to show you where the draft can be enriched.
File what ever doesn't work for you.
Maggie
Thirsty,
sickly(,) sallow,
parched within the pain,
they imbibe me,
draw and drink me
drink and drain me
‘til there is no more.
Sherry and I were reviewing that line and both suggest the change. (We're tag-teaming you!!!)
Empty,
prayerful, fleeing,
(a) searching for the spring's release of relie-
trickling faintly, a faint trickle
though familiar:
life-sustaining streams.
Laughter,
little faces,
sparkles in a smile;
soulful singing,
artful pages,
sunset through the trees…
SStill loving this ending.
Stillness,
sanctuary,
waters to the worn
for the loving,
for the giving:
life is sacrifice.
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 26, 2009 14:24:47 GMT -5
Thanks ya'll. I love the changes to the second stanza, and will make them now. Still mulling over the suggestions...
Danny
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Post by Sherry Thrasher on Feb 26, 2009 22:47:15 GMT -5
Welcome back!
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Post by dcpottsmd on Feb 27, 2009 0:59:40 GMT -5
Thanks, Sherry!!!
DP
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