Damn thee William (Revised)

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Revision

Damn these cloudy nights,
not a star in sight to wish upon,
it matters not as this wish
can never be allowed.

Love can never blossom as the flower
when minutes are not given,
so few words exchanged.

How long before the sun sets
upon a rising dream
turning rosy skies to blackened
hues of aloneness?

Oh Romeo, let me be thy Juliet.

Hear me now subconscious self,
cast away those flightless scenes;
awaken from this plea.



Original


When is there time for me
when you have no time for you?

Love can never blossom as the flower
when minutes are not given,
so few words exchanged.

How long before the sun sets
upon a rising dream
turning rosy skies to blackened
hues of aloneness?

Damn these cloudy nights,
not a star to wish on in sight,
it matters not

as this wish
can never be allowed,
for it dwells within a fantasy.

Oh Romeo, let me be thy Juliet.

Hear me now subconscious self,
cast away those flightless scenes;
awaken from this plea.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

JL try this site out. It's free and the poets are pretty good at in depth critique. (wildpoetryforum.com) I know you will enjoy. I'm not trying to steer you away from here. This is my home too but it never hurts to explore.
Rick

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I explore often, have a few sites I belong to, I'll check it out, thank you. Now what did you think of the poem, LOL

[mfwilkie]

Jo lynn, What if you started this draft from here ,with a slight change to the language of the second line?


Damn these cloudy nights,
not a star to wish on in sight,

You might consider couplets.

Mags

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

Thinking upon it Maggie, don't know that I like the idea of starting it off with that rhyme, thinking on it.

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

I decided you were right, Maggie, but changed that line a little more. Let me know what you think of this version.

[Timothy Juhl]

Hey Jo Lynn,

I think the new version is a tremendous difference and reads much better and feels like it's more in the author's own voice.

The 'Romeo' line set apart is just a stroke of beauty, well done! And I think the ending verse is quite potent.

Yours,
Tim

[Jo Lynn Ehnes]

You know it's funny how writing works. That very first question I had on the original is where the whole poem came from, but in the end it wasn't needed for anything more than the inspiration. Sometimes it's difficult to see that.

[wavemaker9 (Rick D.)]

It's very close to home.

[Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47]

Unrequited love.....so sad......you capture the emotions of the reader, Jo. Very lovely.