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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 21, 2009 10:19:46 GMT -5
Lonely Traveler
(by Angel Clementine)
The journey dreamt beyond our steps can hold us where we are; for some, who ventured from their home, got lost. They went too far. The twinkling stars beyond the ropes beam back your love now gone, dim light now hitting on a desk with midnight elbows on.
The rain soaked street's thinned out tonight, it's dark, and hard to see; some fantasies, you tell yourself, were never meant to be-- he told you once he'd never leave, he'd "love you till he dies"; you heard, instead, a fashioned-truth embedded with his lies.
Just keep on trudging unpaved thoughts for half-eternity; then someday call it memory lane, aggrieved serenity. O Lonely traveler, where's your head? Your tears are running wild. A lonely journey to your bed, you're crying like a child.
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GD Martin
EP 250 Posts Plus
It is 11 April 2015, and I am standing here in the silence.
Posts: 400
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Post by GD Martin on Mar 21, 2009 12:21:05 GMT -5
Angel, Introspective and lonely-sounding. I like your "jagged truth". Those jagged edges do get caught in the net of deceit. _GD
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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 21, 2009 12:32:06 GMT -5
Thank you, GD, for your comments. Angel
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Post by mfwilkie on Mar 22, 2009 17:33:06 GMT -5
Angel, What about changing the verb tense to smooth this out some?
I love, jagged truth', too, but I think fashioned-truth fits better with the last line in this stanza.
The rain soaked street's thinned out tonight, it's dark, and hard to see; some fantasies, you tell yourself, were never meant to be— he told you once he'd never leave, he'd "love you till he dies"; you heard, instead, a fashioned-truth embedded with his lies.
Maggie
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Post by Angel Clementine on Mar 22, 2009 22:17:27 GMT -5
Maggie, I feel a strong affinity toward your suggestions. Thank you for the time and thought you had put into this. Angel
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