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Post by ramadevi on Feb 9, 2008 10:51:05 GMT -5
*Am dusting off an old sonnet...still needs work. Suggestions welcome, esp. for second stanza which is too cliche.
Our lives are laced with love, delight and laughs,
but suffering keeps pace with second foot.
The paths they trace are closely mirrored graphs
reflecting fire’s blaze and chimney’s soot.
Dry autumn leaves descend as tree-bough tears;
gray winter calmly grieves- awaiting spring,
whose blossoms usher joy and temper fears,
inviting every heart to rise and sing.
The backdrop built with blackness of dark night
lends highlight to the glow of moon’s soft smile
amidst the silver dance of sweet starlight.
Polarity of contrasts is God's style.
Disastrous circumstances often can
reveal the highest qualities in man.
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Post by Jonathan Morey Weiss-Namaste47 on Feb 9, 2008 11:40:56 GMT -5
Your title is deeply embedded in your poem, dear rama.
I agree with your critique, so I don't have to review this ;D.
I like the closing couplet and its summarization of the preceding 12 lines.
S1L3-I might use "The paths they trace are closely mirrored graphs" to keep the assonance. "Two" bumped me.
If you were willing to sacrifice the "laced-pace" rhyme in L1 and 2 of the same stanza, consider:
"but suffering descends with second (other) foot." I just like this image..realizing it obliterates the parallelism between 1 and 2.
(just realized you use "descend" in S2........)
"As lifeless leaves will echo tree-bough tears;
gray winter slowly (dimly-or another adj) grieves-awaiting spring, (does one grieve slowly?)
whose blossoms bring usher joy and banish (assuaging fears)
inviting every heart to soar and sing. (the reader senses the polarity in this stanza.)
Just some things to think about rama.....disregard if you want....but hopefully will give you fresh ideas, as stale ones fade into the night (lol)
Namaste--you have the seedlings of a beautiful sonnet here.
Cultivate with vigor. Love, Jon
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 9, 2008 12:38:29 GMT -5
rama,
My problem with the second stanza is not cliché; it's that it presents the idea of spring blossoms as the absolute 'banisher' of 'fears' and not as an opportunity for stepping outside of ourselves, our lives—easy-going, busy or troubled, and appreciating the recycling natural beauty of Spring.
I also think it's your strongest stanza and worth considering as the sonnet's opener.
Some changes you might consider:
Dry for 'The'
as if they're tears for 'tree-bough tears'
offer for 'bring pure'
temper (to soften or tone down) for 'banish'
a chance for for'inviting'
And maybe rise for 'soar'
Dry, autumn leaves descend as is they're tears;
and winter slowly grieves- awaiting spring,
whose blossoms offer joy to temper fears,
a chance for every heart to soar/rise and sing.
The second/third and fourth lines in the first stanza is a nit for me; I know what you're saying, but the language could be clearer (ex: with other foot).
I'm not sure 'Two paths' is necessary, since the idea of man/men suggests two feet/two paths/love, delight and laughs/suffering
yin and yang.
Our lives are laced with love, delight and laughs,
but suffering keeps pace with other foot.
Two paths they trace are closely mirrored graphs
reflecting fire’s blaze and chimney’s soot.
My nits in the third stanza:
The use of 'The' to open the line. How are you presenting 'night?
As the opposite of 'Spring, or day?
And the use of 'dark after blackness. It seems redundant.
The backdrop built with blackness of dark night
lends highlight to the glow of moon’s soft smile
amidst the silver dance of sweet starlight.
Polarity of contrasts is God's style. *I really like this.
The couplet isn't working for me as a summation of the sonnet, rama. There's not enough in the body of the sonnet to support the idea of addressing 'disastrous circumstances revealing the highest qualities of man'.
Maggie
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Post by mfwilkie on Feb 9, 2008 12:43:12 GMT -5
Just read jon's comment on 'slowly grieves'. Good catch. I missed it.
Maybe Cold-hearted winter grieves, rama.
Maggie
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Post by MichaelFirewalker on Feb 9, 2008 22:54:49 GMT -5
Rama, you precious girl
it's michael's turn to play
he doesn't know a thing
he's doing here today
no, not like those two do
but here he goes anyway...
keep meter, syllables in S2-L2
still true by using "gray winter's slow pace grieves"
when I see spring blossoms new
my heart too would soar and sing
through that pure joy blossoms bring
spring does banish fears and tears
inside the grand polarity
of God's inclusive unity
disasters flee, and sorrows run,
and all become His darling dears
michael
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Post by ramadevi on Feb 9, 2008 23:27:59 GMT -5
Thank you so much kind friends. You suggestions did indeed spark fresh ideas and i have used a number of your ideas, which has given my muse a satisfied smile this morning. the amazing thing about the family here is that we come to know each other's poetic voice/style so well that our suggestions tend to be in tune with the author's muse. For all the changes i've made my muse thought "that is just what i meant to say but failed to choose the apty word". in such a way we are co-writing this sonnet and i thank you once again with a muse's grin.
I am still musing on some lines...like the blackness backdrop dark night one. I know it is awkward.
but in general i feel this poem is coming along.
*smile*
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