University Campus Edit 2

[alfredo]

among leafy lanes and sunlight patches
stroll busy bags strapped to backs
and the occasional
lazy guitar

and here and there
bent over, focussed
delivering what’s expected
scurries a heckled lecturer
past the weathered bench carved
with people from the past

past the ladies at lunch
heads hidden under the shade
legs stretched to catch
the last of summer’s sun

and the breeze shifts the light
from branch to branch
leaving others
in the dark

[mfwilkie]

'fredo, I pulled out the parts of this draft you might consider
in revision and made a few suggestions on ways you could go.

I moved some lines, too.

The line of the story, the way the images proceed,ed, was a bit out of focus and a bit cliché.

Maggie


book bags and the occasional
lazy guitar move beneath
a canopy of sunlight and leaf



and here and there, on the lawn,
you'll find the bent-over, focussed
on the expected, their faces seeking
shade, their legs stretched to catch
the last rays of summer’s sun, free
of their roman sandals and the loose
leather strips that wind and bind.


a heckled lecturer scurries past
a weathered bench carved by
students from the past, he moves
past ladies at lunch,


a sudden shift in the breeze adjusts the light

[alfredo]

Sorry it was about to become your work not mine

[mfwilkie]

No problem at all, 'fredo.

Suggestions, however they come, are only meant to get you thinking.

I like the revision. It's much tighter.

Maggie

[LynnDoiron]

I like this.
Is focused spelled with one 's' or 2?

I might omit the elipsis and 'in the' and move 'dark' up to follow 'others'. The "... in the dark" goes a little too clever for me and leaves nothing for me as reader to bring to the poem. But that's just me and I do like what you've written over all.

[alfredo]

Yes. Thanks for the review , Lynn..
"focussed " is the English English spelling

Sorry about leaving you “in the dark” but that’s how I saw it
and that’s how it came to me, that particular day .

[Ken_Nye]

Alflredo,I like this poem very much. I think you capture the feel of a university campus in early September very well.

Ken

[alfredo]

Thanks once more Ken ... I returned to do a post grad diploma and this particular campus, the education campus, is just lovely.

[Marion Poirier]

My two cents worth Alfredo:

I like the poem a lot but can't get past the bags strolling as
though they had legs;
I'd rather see them on the backs of students - a much
sharper image.

I'd also omit focussed in S2 as unnecessary. Every word
should be essential to the poem.

Interesting poem as usual.

Marion

[alfredo]

Thanks for your extra efforts here M. but I wonder if I include “students “that its image existed in, or came easily to, your mind anyway. Or did you struggle to find it? Therefore, I am asking too much of self-discovery (for the image to arise from the surrounding words) here and it’s irritating and detracting, yes?

[Marion Poirier]

Alfredo, I guess you could chalk it up to a matter
of style. I like to be exact and its not the bags
walking-though of course, I know what you
mean, but I think it's a language or cultural
difference as Americans would not usually
phrase it that way - I find it distracting
but may be the exception.
Whether we agree or not, feedback is so
important that it is better to give one's
impression even it it may be biased
by one's own style/preference than not
to comment.
I like the poem regardless.

Marion